It just figures right?

Apparently M and I are taking a break from our relationship. Whatever that means. I kind of expected something like this to happen. It's not my fault, and it's not really hers either. (Well, I don't blame her) But she's so stressed over moving and stuff, and she says she's not emotionally ready for a relationship. Which probably means that she's just worried about moving and what kind of strain that might put on us. I knew something was up. And part of me is relieved because hopefully that's one less thing for her to stress over. And part of me is just like, ehhh...

And I feel kind of nauseous because of it...

It's just that I can't do anything about it, and it's not my fault. And I'm not blaming her either but, I have to deal with it anyways. Because life isn't fair. They just had to move a month after we got together. And I don't even deserve to complain because I'm not the one moving.

*bangs head on desk*

But, if she's less stressed now, it's worth it.

I'm hoping that after this whole moving thing settles we can get back together.

But who knows how long that'll take? And if it'll even happen or not? (And with my luck...)

And yeah, we're still friends of course. I'd be far more broken if we weren't. (I'd be too busy being horribly depressed to write about it here) I trust her more than anyone else. (She's been my friend for like, two years now maybe, so yeah. Don't be all "after only a month!?") She's the only person I can blankly just say what's on my mind too.

But yeah, all this proves to me is that life sucks. And that there is some truth to Murphy's law. But what else is new?

~Riku

i wish i didn't think so damn much.

god i never understood the urge to drink so much as i do right now.

ugh.

I don't know how long I was here. I was hanging from the ceiling, with every square millimeter of me in pain. I was also very hot. The temperature in this 'dungeon' must have been 44 degrees Celcius (That's pretty close to 112 F.) at least. I was hung with my hands and legs tied behind me, from my wrists and ankles. Everything had been dislocated, I'd had other bones broken; including a rib, had half my skin flayed off me, and weighed about three quarters of what I should have from starvation. I'd had one eye gouged out, and they only let me keep the other one so I could see what was coming. I'd been electrocuted, prodded in the worst possible way, had much of my hair ripped out, been smeared in my own waste, only had urine to drink for I don't know how long, had my tongue slit, been beaten black and blue, been raped, was missing two ears, one nose, all toes on my right foot, three fingers on my right hand, and we can't forget the privies; can we? I'd also been sleep deprived, and had my eardrums blown out. There was more, but I can't think of it right now. All I could think about was death. The sweet release that was so long in coming.

What was my crime? Being a war reporter who told the truth.

I don't know why I was still alive. I was alone for the moment, in a brightly lit pink room; and I wondered if I would ever see the dark again before I died.

I think I stopped believing in god the past few days, weeks, or whatever. I had lost all sense of time. I had no references to go by. If there was a god, why would he let what happened to me, happen to anybody?

Free will! Oh yeah!

Man, the people who were torturing me made Elizabeth Bathory seem like an angel.

Oh, where was Amnesty International when you needed them? Technically I suppose I was a political prisoner. I'd gotten some pretty cool exposés on the web, along with some good, very graphic picture shots. I gave them to private sources, since I knew damn well that the government controlled medias wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole, to say the least. Needless to say, my non-profit move got distributed world wide; could not be covered up, and now I paid the price.

I guess I won. But oh, at what a cost.

Would I have done it again if I knew what was going to happen to me?

YES!

Justice was a passion of mine, and I could have done nothing less.

Man, if I couldn't die yet, I wish I could at least slip into unconsciousness?

I heard a pully. I had my eye closed. I felt myself being lowered. What was worse? Hanging from dislocated limbs, or touching the floor with half of your skin missing? Or was I going to luck out and be submerged in pure hydrochloric acid?

I didn't open my remaining eye to verify. If they wanted me to see what was in store for me, they'd have to lift the lid themselves. I'm surprised they hadn't sown it back. Maybe they didn't think of it, but like I was going to tell them? I'm glad they probably didn't see 'Clockwork Orange'.

Oh, an acid bath wouldn't feel too good; but at least I'd disintigrate and be outta here, huh?

You gotta be desperate to want to be dropped into a vat of acid. Needless to say, I was. I couldn't even scream anymore. I whimpered instead.

Though I had my eye closed, I could tell the light was fading. It was actually getting darker. I was lowered again.

Oh my god that I no longer believed in, I felt my forehead touch liquid.

OK, now I screamed.

But it didn't hurt. I lifted my head, and yelled, "NO! NO! NO!"

OK, the acid idea sounded great in theory, but I guess I didn't really want it in reality. Or maybe I did consciously, but the subconscious had other ideas?

I don't know, but I was terrified. I still refused to open my eye. I just couldn't deal with it.

I felt someone touch me. Before, if anyone touched me on my raw skin; I would have hit the ceiling if I'd could have, from the pain. But there wasn't any pain.

I was lowered into about 5 or so centimeters (2 inches) of liquid. I don't know what kind of liquid, but the second I touched it, all the external pain I'd been feeling went away completely.

I opened my eye. The room was dark, but there were torches on the wall. I was hanging over a shallow tub of sorts. I felt a hand on me as some of the ropes where cut. What was freed wasn't allowed to fall, but my leg was held up, and gently put into the tub. It was only about 15 centimeters (6 1/4 inches) deep. More pain went away. Everything that touched the liquid seemed immediately healed.

This wasn't where I'd been hung up. Had I been rescued? I didn't really want to be rescued. I wanted to be killed. . .quickly. I didn't want the mutilated mess that I was, to live. I couldn't deal with it. I'd commit suicide if I'd been rescued.

My other leg was lowered. I couldn't see who was cutting me loose.

A hand went into the water and held up my chest as my arms were freed, so my face wouldn't fall in the liquid.

"Git on yisser side." commanded an accented voice.

I got on my side. It was a weird way of telling me to get on my side, but I understood it word for word, though I don't know how.

"Lay back in de water."

I did.

"A go over, an' put yisser bake in de water."

It was water? Well, whatever. I actually managed to follow his instruction, rolled over, and put my face in the water.

"Open yisser eyes an' luk at yisser lempsor' an' 'ands."

I looked at my feet and hands. I had all my digits, and I had no wounds. I felt my head, and found I had all my hair back. I think I even had proper depth perception. "Do I have my eye back?"

My 'rescuer' stood in front of me. He was hell of cute for a guy, despite the nose that seemed to span half across my body sideways. No, not really; but it was pretty big. A pale, delicate looking, turquois eyed, red headed dude with long layered hair and feminine features. He'd handled me with gloved hands, and he didn't care that his old style, high collared, and tailed, velvet, tuxedo-like suit got wet. He wore a cape, too. "Yer. . .dae, Vlad."

I scowled. "My name's not Vlad."

The dude smiled at me, and by George; he had fangs. "Yer were in yisser last life, laddie. Yer chose dis life an' dis death ter compensate for waaat yer did, dragon lord. Yer 'ad a stake in correctin' yisser past brutal behaviour due ter yisser pointed tastes in entertainment in de 15th century ter be at peace wi' yerself on dis side av De Veil nigh."

I nodded. It was all coming to me. I'd been Vlad Tepes in my former life. After I was killed in that life, I ended up pretty horrified by what I'd done; having had to face all my victims individually, and having to experience for myself what I'd put them through. I'd ended up begging for another life to make it right. To forgive myself. 'Stake' in correcting. . .'pointed' tastes. I chuckled. "You so funny. Are you looking like a vampire in Count Dracula clothes just for me, Gatekeeper?"

"Nah. Oi alwus luk an' dress loike dis. Oi 'av ter admit de combinashun av yisser former life an' de flicks they made aboyt Stoker's character did influence me tastes, though. After al', in a way; yer were wan av me 'eroes."

I just shook my head. "You choose strange heroes, dude."

He flicked both wrists.

"Jist call me Stefan."

i'm reminiscing again.

a year ago today, i was over zoe's. i'd just met her a few hours ago and we were already planning a sleep over. (she's two years younger than me and like a baby sister) around this time, i remember Lauren being drunk and kissing everybody. i remember the sparklers... john almost lighting me on fire. and now i'm sitting in my living room, watching spider man 2 and listening to the illegal fireworks that my neighbors are setting off. i don't feel like watching them... i don't like watching fireworks unless i'm w/ a special someone. kind of funny, actually, b/c one of the last two times i saw fireworks, i was beating my bf up for cheating on me, which i found out about when i was cheating on him ^-^
& during the other i heard my best friend's mom shout, "it looks like SPERM!"

this started out as me looking back on friends i hadn't talked to in months; one i haven't seen in a year. - and i still have yet to make plans w/ her. i really miss that girl! she was like the baby sister i'd always wanted - and now i'm beginning to remember how much it sucks to be single. i haven't been in a relationship since highschool football seasons started - and that relationship started b/c J(my first girl crush) told me to date the guy... the last person i kissed wasn't single at the time.. and J was in love w/ him.

oh well, i'm going to go. john wants to set off fireworks.

hah. i knew it wasn't right. she doesnt' seem to want to talk to me. i ask questions ect ect ect. she just gives a minimal answear... i knew but... *sigh*
I need to get out and meet some new people. kinda hard when your home for the summer and im in the south... I want to move but i have to get my drivers licence first and I am just scared of driving. all those other cars... coming at you... on very narrow country road... i just don't want to.. but i have to. to get anywhere.

I'm using myself as a diet-tester right now. It's quite difficult, and I somehow managed to lose 5 pounds in two days, which really isn't supposed to be all that good for you. Right now the one I'm on is comprised of eating toast and stuff out of cans. So...if you need to drop 5, toast and stuff out of cans. But my friend who's suffering with me managed to gain 6 off it, so be warned. My digestive system is also killing me...I'm hungry-actually, I'm not, I'm just thirsty. A lot. I consume about the equivalent of 7/8ish water bottles a day, the water jug in my house is empty and my little brother is drinking juice.

Um...I'm also Wii-fitting, just because balance games are so so much fun, and I like KO'ing a punching bag with boxing gloves. I think if I had a treadmill or some sort I'd run on that while I did their jogging in place thing, but I'm not so sure that'd work out so well with the room in my basement. Don't read between the stars.

*****************************

Okay. Blatant attempt at advertising spam...

http://Gifts4Referrals.com/index.php?referral=306

So if you go there and sign up and do every little thing that you need to do for it to become valid or whatnot, and I get 7 people to do it, I'll get $15 to my Paypal. Erm...see, this internet making money to my paypal thing started when I saw that "Kiss" poster by Tanya Chalkin (I believe) online, and there are absolutely none available around me where I live. So ever since then I've gone on this kick scouring the internet for ways to make money..and I've come up with $1.91 right now. Help?

Please don't kill me. ><

*****************************

Aaaanyways, I'm drinking my bottled water quite happily right now-I think the water staves off the thirst.
...I just realized the redundancy (is that a word?) of that statement.
I still need more water. I drink and drink and my thirst does not seem sated. Ever. Or at least for the past little while.

Summer school begins on the 7th! I have been thinking up best and worst case scenarios...

BEST-CASE
I go in, all my friends are in the same class as me, whoop-de-doo, there's also a few random people I don't know, one of which is this incredibly hot girl who also happens to be gay and we fall madly in love, run off into the sunset, etc.
Oh, and I pass summer school with something like a 97%, mainly because the course is incredibly easy and also interesting at the same time.

WORST-CASE
I'm in a class filled with those wannabe gangsters who go around telling everybody how cool they are and how they "borrowed" Mommy's car for a ride last weekend. They assume everybody likes them a lot and so proceed to irritate and hit everybody in the class.
The teacher sucks. The class is boring, it's incredibly hot with no A/C, I fall asleep and fail.

Probably gonna be something in between. The thing is, life is never so bad that it can't get worse, so I assume the slightly more worse would be to have shooters in the school, kill people, bad things happen.

Oh, random fact tidbit: you get the most from death insurance if you're sucked into an airplane engine on a business trip.

Learned that from my 8th grade French teacher. Heh.

So... I lied about not having a life. My friends enjoy spontinuity a bit too much.

I've been taking some classes at AAU in San Francisco... They're alright, I guess. There's this hella attractive chick in two of my classes and... idk. I really like this guy but he's a total asshole all the time. But she isn't. And she's most certainly not straight. :]

On another note, I did my first commission piece yesterday. Some friends and I were sitting at this pizza place downtown and I was trying to draw one of them but she kept moving... And the lady sitting next to us is all, "You're very talented." And then asks me to draw her son. So I did. And then went mini-golfing with the money she gave me. XD