So um.. Yeah...

My mom didn't come with us to the restaurant, so there was no reason for me to come out to my grandparents first.

The whole thing was really awkward and quiet. I decided not to be obnoxious and pick on my grandparent's and their close-minded ness. My grandma is all like "taking milk doesn't kill the cow" because I told her I STILL don't eat or drink anything with milk in it.

My mom thinks I should eat more too, because the food I eat isn't wildly calorie-dense. And my dad worries about me wanting to take T. These people KNOW me and they KNOW that I won't even eat something if I don't know exactly what's in it. I hate taking medicine and getting shots unless I know everything first. I'm a nut like that. And these people can't trust me to make good decisions. >_O;

And yeah I'm grumpy. My period started. I forgot about those for a while, all of the stress and this "I'm a boy" stuff had me kind of distracted... Then I got a cramp in my side today and I'm like "Oh great. torment for a week. D:"

And I cringe every time my mom calls me by my girl name or "she" in public now. I guess it's worse in public because I don't really look like a boy or a girl anymore. Somewhere in between I guess. Which is good enough for now. But the whole calling me a girl just ruins it.

And I realized that in my dreams, I'm usually either male or genderless. Very VERY rarely am I female. Only when it's a point in the dream. (Like this one where this boy was trying to seduce me and it was horribly gross, and the other one where I was turned into a boy anyways.)

I guess I never noticed before because it never seemed important. But yeah...

I hate public bathrooms now by the way. And I was reading "Parrotfish" (C told me it was a good book, so I picked it up at the Library.) and it reminded me that I have another gym class to deal with. Yay, more gender segregation. DX *gag*

Also, I haven't officially "come out" to my mom yet. But I've been hinting big time. I can't tell if she's figured it out or if she thinks I'm just a REALLY butch lesbian though. Ugh, I hate that term on me though. Because I'm not butch. AT ALL. I'm very feminine for a boy. XD. Proud of it too. :3 I really like who I am.

And I think I'm questioning my sexuality again. Talk about confusing. But it's like. Okay I'm not physically attracted to guys. But I'm not really physically attracted to girls either. Not much. So I'm leaning more towards pansexual? asexual? I think I'm more attracted to femininity though. But I'm not sure, the whole "I can't date someone more masculine than me" thing may have just been some kind of insecurity about my own gender. I guess. But whatever. I don't think I should waste too much time worrying about it. There's no point. It'll figure itself out eventually.

The journey of self-discovery is kind of like a scavenger hunt. Every time you find something you just end up with a new puzzle to solve. XD that's my words of wisdom for today.

In other news, I hate Florida. It's far too hot. DX I can't wait to go home right now. but I want to spend time with my sister who is BTW, still miserable down here. But my mom is too dense to do anything about it. I'm so sick of seeing her break down over everything, EVERYTHING. She doesn't do that up at home. Only because she's down here and mom wants to make her stuck down here.

And then there's the time of month which we do not speak of that's got me kind of down too.

Oh, and going to the beach and seeing all of the shirtless guys and seething with envy. That too.

I wish I was more comfortable with myself. I wish I could just be a girl sometimes? Because my body isn't really all of that bad. Average female height - almost. And my uhhh. Chest isn't tiny, (only everyone thinks it is because I do such a good job covering it up) but it's not going to injure my back either. And I have a figure. My friends just LOVE to point the last two out because I cover them up all of the time. But every time they do I feel sick (And like crying, but I won't.). But I'm out to most of those people now so hopefully it won't happen anymore. >_o;

I actually did cry once because I was wearing a tank top under a T-shirt and my friend A was all like "LET'S STEAL HER T-SHIRT, TAKE PICTURES OF HER IN JUST A TANK TOP AND REFUSE TO DELETE THEM! 8D 8D 8D" And I yelled at her and threatened her and eventually I did end up crying. Because she said something like "Why don't you like looking like your own gender?" DX. She did delete them after I started crying though. But she still didn't get it. (Haha, she does now though. And I'll probably punch her if she ever tries anything like that again.)

I'm such a wimp. DX I almost cried today too. Somewhere between my sister freaking out and crying over EVERYTHING because she's stressed, and my whole bare-chest-envy deal. I hate feeling so in-between. If I could just be a girl it'd be nice.

Okay I'm done ranting now. ^^;

~Riku