So... I've been cooking for the last 6 hours. Appetizers, entrée, dessert, everything. I do that when I'm stressed, or feeling guilty.
Since I'm feeling guilty and stressed today, I've pretty much cooked enough food for a battalion. Luckily for my parents, my uncle and his new girlfriend, my grandparents and some friends I opted for a lot of fancy nice recipes. So yeah, there's a huge piece of lamb on the oven, and a lot of other things being boiled, roasted, fried or frozen. Of course I haven't told anyone the reason why I'm cooking, and they don't really care as long as the meal is nice (and it's gonna be a really good meal, actually). I just hope my hand-made-from-scratch papaya ice-cream goes well... it wasn't looking well a couple minutes ago.
Anyway, the only reason why I've been cooking is to keep my mind busy. You know: busy hands, happy hands (and I don't have to think about stuff I don't wanna think about). But now everything is just sitting there, waiting to be ready, and there wasn't much I could do in the kitchen, so I decided to come here and write. Why? because I gotta get this out of my system somewhere, and the kitchen's already running full-steam. I need a 3rd oven....

ANYWAY.
Yeah. Yesterday. Yesterday's night. Yeah. That's what I'm here to talk about, right?
So what, I got a little drunk, kind of flirted with this guy I shouldn't have flirted with. Oh, nevermind gossiping, Thursday is gonna be a nightmare at the University. Damn, damn, damn damn. DAMN. So yeah, I've a huge *moral* hangover. Not even physical hangover (frequent drinker here. My, I sound like an alcoholic, but I swear I'm not. Different cultures). A stupid moral hangover because I lies to my parents, and because I behaved like a complete jerk. I was a spoiled, arrogant, daddy's boy twat all night long. Awesome. Fuuuuuuck. I don't even wanna remember half of the things I said yesterday, seriously.

As if that wasn't enough, yet another couple in my family is breaking up. They're the 2nd couple this semester, 4th this year. Christmas at my grandparent's is gonna be SO entertaining this year. Last December we were six functional and happy families. Now we've five divorcees (four female, one male). Grandma is gonna like have a heart attack or something, specially because my aunt has never worked nor saved, she spent her trust fund, and now she's like filthy poor and she can't even afford her own place. I can totally see my grandmother crying while the maids clean the old rooms for my aunt and my cousin, lovely.
With us the youth of the family things have been rocky: one of my cousins dropped university (and that in my family is like the worst thing you can do) to do sports. That was a huge crisis. His sister kind of told everyone she hated her family... but their parents are a happy couple. You know, us old families DO NOT have problems at all, no (if you deny them strongly enough most of them go away). On the other side, the daughter of a recently divorced aunt is studying music. Music, for god's sake, she's gonna kill grandma, grandpa and my parents when they find out (she's gonna tell them in the Christmas meeting). Perhaps I should come out right after she tells everyone she's studying music, so we'll definitely end in the hospital after a bunch of paramedics save everyone's life.

Awesome, I just love my life so much *sigh*. Oh, and my average in University is like 3.8/5, and that's crappy, so I'm not keen on January when the grades are published because my parents are gonna like behead me.

Now that I think about it, I shouldn't be writing this. I'm seriously betraying my family's core beliefs of denial and hiding everything by doing this. Damn.

So. I need to write this because I'm feeling really bad.
I flunked an oral test because the guy that asked me the questions kind of flunked me because I couldn't answer one out of six questions. So I sulked for a while in the campus, sulked in class, sulked on my way home, and sulked home. Then I decided it would be better if I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. It only made things worse, because now I've discovered that:

1. I'm stupid, I flunked a test.
2. No one really likes me.
3. Mr. Big is never gonna like me romantically.
4. I'm eating too much.
5. All my friends pity me, so they're like pity-friends.
6. The above happens because I'm pathetic.

So yeah, I'm just gonna sulk a while more, and wallow in self-pity. I may even cry once Mr. Big stops reassuring me that I'm not a waste of oxygen, and that I'm actually a good person (lies, I'm stupid and pathetic and rude).

For those of you with a good imagination, a slightly twisted sense of humour and a definitely perverted outlook on life, let me recommend you:

"The Curios Sofa: A Pornographic Work by Ogdred Weary"

(It's a Edward Gorey book about a rather unimaginable party of people...and a very improbable and scary piece of furniture).

Now, how do you play thumbfumble?

Metaphysically and everything, sure. But today it was rather noticeable. I have a huge bed, and I felt like changing to a twin sized bed... you'll understand why I say Death Cab influences me. I just don't want to look defeated if I do get the twin sized bed.
By the way, I like the old-school Death Cab better, but I just love everything they do. And I love Ben Gibbard.

I feel like I can't whine about life today. Everything is good, normal... normal. Always the same routine, the same people, the same conflicts over and over again. Nothing special, never. Sometime I feel like taking a plane and just flying away, starting a completely different life somewhere else. I guess everyone has felt that at some point, right?
But I can't complain. I live in luxury, I study what I want to study, and my problems are nothing compared to people starving or stuff like yeah. Yeah, I'm conscious that my problems are mine, so I should worry more about them and blah blah blah. Let's say I feel nihilistic about myself today.
Nevertheless, everything is so damn cynical! People just discards all that matters to the side, and focuses on so many irrelevant things! There's no beauty any more. No beauty at all, everything is poisoned by an aura of utilitarianism that just seeps through the veins of life and makes it dull, grey, automatic, despicable. Life has become so ignoble, do damned ignoble.
So, we live in our states, and defend our countries and play this pathetic game that just equals an education on violence and stupidity. We war, we buy, we drive, we fight, we discuss, we learn, we pay, we mourn, we celebrate, we die. We do it all because that is what must be done.
Very few, just a fistful of people, dares really do something worthy. It's a shame to see how people like that is just less and less every year. The 60's were full of courageous people who dared get out of the system and live!

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My relationship with my mother is funny right now, kind of she just takes any opportunity she has to complain about me or something I've done. Sometimes I feel bad, morally, because I am hiding a lot of things from my parents, but then I've been an exemplar son. I should be allowed to keep some of the secrets a standard person keeps from their parents, and I shouldn't feel like a worthless dishonourable person. But I do feel like that. So yeah.

I love Mr. Big, I really do. He's hot as hell, smart, classy, kind, sarcastic, responsible, honourable, loyal and, most importantly, human. He has flaws, and I love them. He has a boyfriend, and even if he is not 100% happy with him, it's his boyfriend, so I'll stay here and be the friend he wants me to be.

Lol-taire is one of my favourite persons in this world. I haven't even met her, and I already adore her. Just reading what she writes is enough to notice she's a pretty great and uncommon person... if only the world had more minds as clear and fast as hers! Lol-taire, you get my rather irrelevant approval seal for people who deserves to live.

Death Cab for Cutie always finds the way to describe what I am feeling, or what I want to feel. Right now I wish I could have a Passenger Seat moment, epiphany-like in its simplicity.

Today I watched Across the Universe for the nth time, and this cute Italian film called Manuale D'amore.
Now I'm home, and it's late and I've class very early tomorrow, but I can't go to bed. I feel like I could change the world with this impulse, but I also feel melancholic because my life is not like any of the character's lives. I know, it's rather silly, but I do connect with the film's characters, bite me.
I feel like that all I need is love, and that once I find it, everything will fall into place. But, then, I also want to be able to change something, try to make this world a better place, and never again sink into the horrible cynicism that encompasses our lives. It's quite a dilemma.
I also think Jim Sturgess is absolutely hot, but that is besides the main point. The thing is, I want to change the world! And I know it's silly, so go ahead, blame it on my youth! But I wish to stay young forever, if youth means to be idealistic! it's something I can't let go, nor want to let go. Being idealistic is perhaps the only way to achieve real change, even if it's just a tiny change. isn't it?

Mr. Big is so damn cute!!!!! I really like absolutely everything about him (except his boyfriend).
I had a wakeboarding accident today. The boat's driver left my cousin's slalom ski loose and it hit my leg as the boat accelerated. I laughed a lot, even if now I sport a huge bruise on my right leg.

I just got home from the most decadent weekend I've had in years.
I went over to a friend's country house, to celebrate the end of our first Spring Break. Of course, we were like 11 people in the house (which can harbour up to twenty, so it was rather comfortable). A very hot guy aside, it was really amusing. The cooks were worthy of a King's table, conversation was pleasing, and games entertaining. We played a huge variety of card and board games, Badminton (how it ought to be played, in an idle weekend with no worries and having a conversation with the other couple of players and a very cold drinks at hand). I'm happy.

So, yesterday I met with some friends for a couple drinks (our original plan was just meeting, having one or two drinks, and hanging out in a lounge kinda talking and chilling). So, we were 5. Two Girls, A and B (both my friends), and three guys. D, who's A's friend, T who's my friend, and I. So, after like 2 hours in the lounge A took B away, and when they came back A and D left the lounge for a moment. The moment they left, B told T and I that A's friend wanted to go to a club... a gay club. Then she told us he was gay (that explains why he was so keen to talk with me). T and I said that we would go, that it was perfect, and so we went.

We got there, and the place was pretty cool. The music was a little too electronic for me, but I had fun. And there were like a million guys and girls I knew in there! People I would've never thought were gay. I was like really shocked, but it was cool. Oh, and I danced a lot, it was cool.

The bad side is I kinda got in a row with my parents, and lied about my location, and it may be hell if they learn that I lied to them, and that instead of going to the tacky place next door I was in the dastardly gay bar.

And people was SO good-looking!!! I was so sad I had my I'm-gonna-stay-on-a-sofa-the-whole-night. If I knew we were gonna club I would've dressed differently.

I should have gone to Europe for a year, as almost everyone I know did. I shouldn't have gone to law school straight from high school. I look at them, and talk with them, and they're so happy, they've re-discovered themselves and their capacities, they've rediscovered love and life... and I'm here, getting good grades, confused and bored. I haven't found the guts I need to make things change, and I'm scared I won't discover them until I get out of here, out of this bubble of protection around me.

But I'm here, and I'm still in my little microcosm, useless. Should be elsewhere, living my life for the first time, away from everyone. Somewhere where I could be free, where I could err and discover what I'm really about. My limits and capacities need to be tested. Relationships need to mature more. But I can't do any of that if I stay here, in this world where I study, sleep, eat, party, drink. The only time when I can think is when I'm in a club, far away from the people I know. Alone with strangers, people who's just worried about dancing, having fun. People who doesn't expect a brilliant future from me, an insightful comment, a perfect style. But I can't bear to live like this, waiting for the next weekend, for the next night out.

Always, in my dreams, I am away. Some wonderful city unfolds as I walk, and every turn brings a new panorama, a new set of values. Step after step on other streets, where no one knows me, where I can rediscover myself.
'Hi, I don't know who I am. Do you want to help me discover that?'.
Imagine just being able to re-define yourself, without thinking about how that fits with what people expect from you, how they will think you're just going through a phase or faking something.

Nevertheless, I can't go away. It's impossible... Perhaps in a few years, but then it won't be worth it. Everything will be carved in stone by then, and only something radical will let me change that. Yeah. I don't like the colour of my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

So the world keeps on turning, and everyone's lives keep on being lived. Until the next weekend, when I can stop being myself for a few hours, I'll suffer and die a little inside.

I'm happy right now. I just had dinner with a very good friend, we talked a lot, I had a nice very cold beer (I had a beer craving since like yesterday), and a nice hamburger. It was fun and I'm just really happy.

It's been a peculiar day. First, I accidentally ripped two COP$50,000 notes (around 50 bucks) today. And they were brand-new *sigh*. It wouldn't have been a problem except for the tiny detail that the petrol station where I was filling didn't had the stupid thingy you use to pay with credit card, and I owed them $70,000. Stupid petrol station.... I had to walk like a kilometre before I found an ATM.
Then I had to make a 460 pesos (25 American cents) cheque. Don't ask why, it was stupid.

Mr. Big is kind of bored of his boyfriend, so he's thinking about breaking up with the guy. He's confused about it... I just hopes he makes the right decision, whatever makes him happier.

I'm going to the theatre now. Eugene Ionesco play. Yay.

Yesterday I was flirting a little with Mr. Big (ha was also flirting), and he just said like 'wait. I can't. I have a boyfriend'. The good side is he's feeling guilty, what means that he actually thought something may happen. The bad side is that 1. I don't wanna be a boyfriend thief, and 2. I know he's too good to cheat on his boyfriend. So yeah, I'm kind of down.

The upside to being down this very week, is that from tomorrow on, I'll have 10 free days. Yeah. 10 glorious days with no responsibility. So, and in order to cure my blues, I've planned 8 days of pure clubbing. Yeah!
I'm gonna go clubbin' 7 nights on a row. No time for hangover, just paaaaaaartying.
No, I'm not alcoholic. But I love clubbin. Is like I can just be free, and nothing wants anything from me except having a lot of fun. I can stop worrying about everything for a few hours, and I can have pure, perfect fun.
I can't wait for Friday. Seriously, I can't. I may even try and go to a very gay (and very cool and upscale) disco. I've been told music is great, and guys are hot.

And, perhaps, and if I'm lucky, Mr. Big's relationship will be over soon (in good terms, no cheating, just a relationship fading to black), and I'll get a text telling me to call him. I'll call him and he'll ask me for coffee. I'll meet him for coffee, and he'll say he likes me, again, and I'll tell him I also like him *Sigh*.

Good news first:
I met this hot, smart, kind guy. He's gay, he's out, he knows I'm gay, and he thinks I'm cute. He loves the same books and the same music I do. He's about my age, and a Senior in a very good and recognised school in here. I'm chatting with him right now, and I can't believe there's someone that cool in this world. I'm seriously dying for this guy.

The bad news:

He's in a very serious relationship.

----Edit----
If Matt Bellamy, Dom Howard or Chris Wolstenholme need a slave, a doormat, an ashtray or someone to punch to relieve stress, I'll be more than glad to be that. Or whatever they want. I love those guys. They're not human, they're gods.
-----end of edit----

Ok. So, yesterday I went clubbing with some new university friends, and it was a mess.
So, we were like 5 persons who've lived here all our lives, and we kinda know how clubs work here (where do you study, what brands are you wearing, how's your hair, which names can you drop...), and like 3 persons from smaller cities of the country. First, we tried to get into this really cool place and I was already inside when I got a call... on the girls from another city didn't bring her ID (you need a special ID to proof you're old enough to vote, drink, buy cigarettes & Co). The bouncer I know wasn't working this weekend, so I had to leave the place and find another one.
Luckily another bouncer allowed this girl inside at another club. So, we're inside the club and we're like (everyone buys what they wanna drink and keeps him/herself in control). Unfortunately, these guys from small cities CAN'T hold their alcohol, so after 2 hours and two Gin & Tonics (two, seriously, that's like no alcohol at all), a girl and a guy started making out. Like 20 minutes later (they were in a different part of the club), a security guard approaches me and tells me that he had to like break 'em apart. Awesome. So, the guard practically shoved the girl and the guy into my sofa, and I told them to just sit down and wait for me (I was going to get them a bottle of water to try to sober them up a little). When I came back with the bottle, they were gone...again. So, after talking with the people I went to the club with, I decided they were not my problem so I forgot about them.

About 3 hours later I was quite drunker, dancing with some random people, when the guard tells me that he separated the couple again, and that the girl locked herself in a bathroom stall. I had to call a girl friend, who was really drunk, and tell her to help the girl. I had to (literally) take the guy out of the club, buy him water, give it to him, get him some chicken and potato broth, and get him a cab with his address written on his hand. We had to do the same for the girl 10 minutes later, and now both of them are having the worst moral hangover ever.

Oh, and I'm hungover...but I had fun most of the night. Random people was relly nice.