So im making sauce with crepes and tilapi in sweet egg and almond sauce. I hope it works.
I miss my friend E. He spends everynight working and taking classes which is good but i never get to hear from him :(. I got to hear from J which was great. It made me realize what I have been missing all these months. A friend. I moved away from all my friends when I left school. I really miss them.
I am rereading 1984 I forgot even half the stuff that happend happend.
It is pretty good though. I think that I appreciate the meaning more this time. Last time I was really all about the story and how scary it is. It seems like its pretty close to happening. But I woun't go into my political views. ;D

So I watched Fingersmith the other day. It was REALLY good. I won't say any more and ruin it ;D

I have started to look for a new boy or girl friend. I am so lonely where I am. All the girls here are straight ( i think) and so pretty none of the boys will look at me. Its really had for me. I love my attention. Its really annoying. Has anyone else had this happen to them? Its amazing how being ignored by one group of people can irritate you so much.

I wrote this back when i thought my father didn't love me becasue i was a girl.

Who did my father love?

Certainly not his lunatic daughter
Who out of inexperience his wife bore.
Whose taste was an incumberment and disease
Which paralleled his?
Surely no.

Who did my father love
not her grasping sister
Who golden dust and fine things
Floated through her dreams
And cared not for humble joys
Unless they were gilded
Surely no.

Who did my father love?
My sister whose thoughts changed
From red to blue
and rose in an instituation he would see stripped?
Maybe

Who did my father love?
The son who produced a son
and was forever reasearching means of proving for him
And was spoken of when asked.
Maybe.

Who did my father love?
Some village boy?
Whose drunken riot reminded him of what he may have been?
Of whom he always spoke, who was as boy as boys will be?
Who lived and died in the same village never to see other things?
Yes.

All my lesbian movies disappeared off the queue.... must have been my dad. i know i had more than two on there. Can any one here suggest any good gay, lesbain, trans, ect. movies? I already have seen But Im a Cheerleader and I am going to see Transamerica.
I have to go to the therapist again. i think that having an (alleged) control issue is the least of anyone (especially my) problems.

Does anyone else here find religion interesting?

I saw the most beautiful man I think that I will ever see a couple years ago. I had just finished swimming with my sister and glanced backwards to the end of the pool.
There he was. Looking at his reflection calmly, but at the same time as though the water itself held a great secret. I wanted to go over and speak to him, he was so graceful looking. He was strong, and relaxed.
My sister stopped me. She was like hes like thirty. I didn't care but I knew that he was too old. He looked ageless standing there, twentyfive maybe (im bad with ages and this isn't my most accurate memory so please bear with me).
But when she said that I knew that we would never even speak to eachother. He was too old for me. I wasn't even 18.
I guess thats the reason I think I might be gay, and not bi. I don't think in my heart I will ever meet a man who is the way that man was in that instant. But for some reason I belive a woman could. I don't know why. I think its becasue most of the guys I meet are too... I don't know.... not philisophical? unpoetic? I guess the reason I thought I was asexual was all the girls were too shallow, not graceful enough (oddly enough I fell into like with a girl who {she didn't like me} was not like the man I saw but maybe she was just close enough). And too well... cruel? (none of this applies to all guys or girls and some crosses over).

So i finially bought that book of fairy tales for gay men. I saw it before and thought. huh. i want a lesbian fairy tale. so i wrote one. anyone here who read it knows it wasn't good. if i had read atleast one of these before i wrote mine, i would have known better than to compete and would have just recomended the book. I have just read one or two so far and I love them.
for the first time i had a slimfast and stuck to leaving my eating at that. im short and i am shaped like a pillar.i hate that. i wish i was like a beautiful fluted collum. but im not :( oh well. my puppy doesn't know the difference and thats all that matters right now.
I am going to take traveler's italian for fun. i have always wanted to learn some italian. too bad its so expencive.

Iv got to eat alot of almond joys today. I love them right now for some reason or another that i do not fully comprehend.

I just got to see But Im a Cheerleader. It was really good. Makes me feel better about flooding my parents netflix with lesbian movies.

I get to go fabric shopping tomarrow!!! I hope that I see something that can be made into a really cute dress <3 Oooooh maybe a bubble dress <3 are those still in? I have a bubble shirt but it makes me look like a gumdrop. :(

My little puppy is getting bigger and bigger <3 she is so cute <3 <3 I love her!

I walked through a door
to i don't know where
a rabbit greeted me and said
i know youre there.

I told her i loved her
and she then turned back
i told her i loved her
she never wanted me back
i told her i loved her
she hates me now
i told her i loved her
she hates me now

I took a little whit pill
so that it would all be over
i took a little white pill
its
not
over

so my sister is off driving on her own. after three years of you arn't alowed to drive boarding school i don't even have my learners permit and i work all day so i am screwed. my life is so boring right now. any ideas to jazz it up?
Also my parents want me to be on an "even keel" this is "even" for me... im normal right now.... what more do you want from me?

so were having fish tonight. i. love. fish. fish are like awesome food but not in a can. it would be neat if fish came in a can. except tuna. I can't stand tuna. but yeah... fishy canned awesomeness would be great...
moving right along i got back to work today and got to sit on my butt for two hours thinking i was late for my dad while my clock was wrong and i waited for no reason for an hour on two seperate occasions. silly me.
so my sister suggested that i might be bi becasue sometimes i feel attracted to men. this sounds fun.
so my NEW therapist thinks that i have control issues and that i don't know that i can't control other people. this is the most irritating thing that i had ever heard. i know i can't control other people. this isn't going to stop me from trying.... but i know i can't. in other words
i know my limitations... but that won't stop me from testing them.

.
so i started painting today. its going to be called the stairway to heaven. its a white spiraling staircase (aka line) with figures outlined in black. there is also a fire on the side. the backround is an odd bright foliage green with two medium sized black dots and a large black mouth (circular) smeared down. i plan to add an angel with pills, one dressed as a prostitute, and im not sure what else. i think i want three angels. im going to make the angels pretty and they will fly around the canvas.

oh and hi and hugs to all the unseen guests who visit this site.

so i am in love with tomatos.
this new sorta soda
my dog
what i remember to be called whore style tomato sause
my little puppy is so cute! whenever she wants something she barks (which is a little annoying) and jumps which is very cute. and whenever you call her she stares at you like youve got to be kidding.

i talked to him last night. we talked about politics. we have nothing in common. i think the only reason we stayed together was no one wanted to do the breaking up.
just out of curiosity, and i do realize i ask this all the time, but does anyone out there who is gay feel gay 100 percent of the time?

in the name of my new found identity and the fact that i don't seem to be a happy relationship person. but he was so sweet. I used my newfound gayness to dump him. i really miss him. we still talk but not alot. i really miss talking to him. im considering asking him back out i miss him that much. but i don't want to block his attempts to find a new girl friend. i do think im gay. i just don't feel very gay right now. i don't think im bi but sometimes i just don't feel gay.

hah. i knew it wasn't right. she doesnt' seem to want to talk to me. i ask questions ect ect ect. she just gives a minimal answear... i knew but... *sigh*
I need to get out and meet some new people. kinda hard when your home for the summer and im in the south... I want to move but i have to get my drivers licence first and I am just scared of driving. all those other cars... coming at you... on very narrow country road... i just don't want to.. but i have to. to get anywhere.

so she emailed me back. i hope we can be friends. I know ill never tell her that i like her becasue shes too damn perfect and talented. im screwed up and on like three different pills and sound like edgar allan poe whenever i try to write a poem. oh well. it was not meant to be. i came to terms with it a long time ago.