So, I got into a car accident on Wed. with Amy, though she's posted already about what happened. That was the scariest moment in my life. It's the first time anything like that has ever happened. And I never want it to hapen again. I was terrified. But I couldn't cry.....Amy was breaking down. She wouldn't let me touch her, or hold her, and that's all I wanted to do. I hurt, the atlas in my neck is shifted to the right, and it shouldn't be. So monday I get to go and get it fixed. Then I get to have massage therapy 2 times a week for an hour for 4 weeks. THat will be great. Maybe. Anyway....I didn't break down until I got left alone.....I think at first I was just too shocked to know what to do......the air bags deployed, and I got hit in the face with mine......that was...oh so great. So my glasses are bent, but didn't break. Most of the damage was dealt to my side, but I hurt worse than Amy.....I don't know if it's because I have less problems than Amy does as far as my body, but I don't know. I was forced by my parents to go to the emergency room, just to get checked out. THe only way they rush around and deal with you quickly is if you're bleeding. I was there for about 5 hours.....I wear my cool hospital bracelet all the time though....just because it's the frst time I've gotten one, but the 2nd time I've ever had to go to the ER because of me. The first time I didn't get one. But yeah.........that's what happened....and I'm terrified to ride in the car.....

I hada half day in school to day. Which was AMAZIN!!! I sat and worked on my wood carving project for class my whole lunch period. So....it was a good way to end the day.....well almost.
After school got out I wandered down to Pierce to meet up with Amy so I could get hep with a rough draft of a paper due for my Writing for College Class......(currently being worked on). It was nice. She went to class, I tried to write.....read and finished Prozac Highw@y. Then I slept til she came and got me.
After that we went and got her phone bill paid. Picker her inhaler up from work where she left it yesterday. Went to the store where she bought me a white rose....Tres sweet! Then wandered off to the mall to look at class rings for me. And an engagment ring for her.....since that's what I want to get her for christmas......my only problem is...is coming up with a uber sweet way to ask her to be mine forever. so...anyone have ANY ideas...please share!!!! It was nice......it made me feel grown up.....and.....nervous at the same time. I want to do this right......ya know?
After we got done with that we wandered over to David's Bridal just for fun to look at dresses for her. Where we proceeded to make an appointment for her to try on dresses. When is t? The 31st of this month at 11am. Once again...it made me nervous and feel grown up. I can't believe it's really going to happen. I'm going to marry the one woman I can't ever live without. My other half. It's an exciting thing. We have it all planned out. The only problem now is to get the money we need to get everything together. We made plans for the end of August in 2010. But who knows if it will happen that soon. Let's hope.
I love her and can't ever see me with someone else. She is my whole world.

So, I get this stupid anamatonic baby from school. Which is fun....in an annoying way. I named my baby Gabriella......it's a girl, but my sister had a boy...so I brought baby home...and she got turned into a he because my sister gave me clothes. So...baby gets to be a crossdresser. It's great...the baby is annoying though. In a fun way. Like I said......I do not enjoy getting up at 3 am to feed the thing.....and get to lay back down for 5 minutes before it wants something else.

Right now it's like 9 and I haven't had he thing go off in 2 hours. But when it does...it'll want something every 5 minutes for like an hour......grrrr......demon baby! Anyway....that's what I have to say about that.

I'm being told about her. I'm finally being told....and it hurts me....I wasn't there to protect her...I wasn't there.....I didn't know until after....months after.....and it hurts. I'm jealous of who was there.......She tells me about getting to see her.....and it makes me cry. I almost had to leave my crafts class today because I almost started to cry.......I didn't even know her...and if she had survived. Would I know her today???? Would I have HER today????

I got sick in crafts....I know exactly why, but I won't talk about it....and I now have tears streaming down my face. I shut her out about of for a good reason.....in the end....she always finds out. which is why I want a place I can escape to to write about everything and nothing all at the same time. If anyone understands that.....

So...I just got a call from my mother telling me that my great grandma died. I didn't really know her. And honestly didn't like her (could that be because I didn't know her?) She passed away last night............I was just there visiting......she wasn't dong swell at all. So it was only a matter of time. We all knew if was coming. Just didn't know when. I want to know what it's done to my nanna.....it was er mother. Even if she wasn't nice at all to her. Nanna still loved her and took care of her......

And apparently that's a bad thing. For the first time in months, I don't want to write. I do, but I don't want it to be somewhere where people know who I am.....I want it to be someplace wwhere I know that it won't get back to anyone who is close to me. Is that wrong of me? I want to have a place I can speak my mind without worrying that it'll get me into some sort of trouble with someone. Ya know????

I got bitchedat because I didn't write about how Amy and I are engaged, but I'm sure I've menioned it.She was so keen on wanting to get married, but apparently she doesn't seem to want to...she's getting cold feet. Which makes me wonder if SHE will ever be ready. She goes on about how I won't ever be ready. When I'm more ready than she seems to be. I'm ready, and I will be ready, but she doesn't seem to be. So I want to know if we'll get married like we've planned. Or i it pointless to even hope that if we go to California we'll make that trip to the courthouse.

Went today. Fucking awesome. Saw one of my favorite teachers. My ex went with...that was really awkward.....she stayed th night last nght....that was......not the best....it was awkward. I couldn't have her touch me. I didn't want her to. We slept in my bed. But she slept against the wall and I slept as close to the edge of the bed as I could get without falling off.

There was a moment when I woke up on my side facing her, and I didn't know what was going on. I'd thought we were together....then it all came back...and I rolled over quickly and cuddled my teddy bear and baby blanket.....

Aids walk was awesome......I loved to watch the people. I got a really big headache from it thought. So my head still hurts. But I'm gonna go again.

You'd think you'd have a normal conversation with at least one teacher....apparently not. Even my health teacher/ parenting teacher is out of her mind. But it's making class interesting. My first and fourth period class are the only twmo classes I look forward to on my orange day classes......it's highly sad.....well...crafts is ok right now.......we get the old glass crafts room. So.....it's kinda nice. It hasd a bunch of windows I can see outside. And have the sun shine in. So I'm not complaining. My blue day classes I'm really only looking forward to my first period class. And that's writing for college with another great teacher. He likes to quote dead famous people. But he has all the good quotes. Stuff like "When a poet dies, the stars weep" So, it's great......

However, not everything gets to be grand like my favorite classes. My job sucks. And I almost told my boss that I quit because he's being an ass hole, while I'm trying to get more days off for school work. And apparently I can't call in anymore or else I get fires. So if I need to take a day off from work to do school work. Too dam bad......he claims to say school is important......but I don't think he cares. I'm trying to do what's right for me. And he's being a complete ass about it. So I'm debating about going to my supervisor and talking to him about it. On top of that I got kicked off the pool deck today for passing notes with amy......

To top my friggin fabulous day off my nephew just threw up on me.......oh fucking joy.....my day is just so great....

It's amazing how excited I am for the first day of school....but once it really happens....I hate everything about it. I hate the loud noisy people...and the crowds at lunch...how I don't fit in with anyone.....I hate the kids that want to do nothing but cause problems for the teachers. Who don't respect them. And wonder why they don't get any in return.....I hate how people stare at me when I walk through the halls. I'm a senior, but I once again feel like a freshman everyone makes fun of. I tried to actlike I wasn't self conscience....I held my head up, but honestly.....I feel small and alone. I don't fit in anywhere. I don't talk to barely anyoe outside of class. I have no where to be to hang out.......

Is it wrong to get jealous, because she talks to her ex when she texts her? Am I suppose to get mad? I got in trouble yesterday for insulting someone I hate on the phone.....and it made me mad that she wants to defend her.......

Has there ever been people in your life that you just can't stand.....but as the days pass....you end up finding you can't pind who you hate the most one day? Well that's how I feel right now.

So my birthday was two days ago.....17 at last.....my birthday isn't hat I expected....it was nice....my parents gave my some gifts....Amy brought me a coffee and we hung out all day. We went and saw a movie she wanted to see. And then we went to the latest Batman showing.....that was nice. I mean.....she stayed the night and all was good. I just expected more from my birthday.....ya know? Like....I've spoiled her, her last two birthdays....cause we've been together for them. But this is the first birthday we've been together....and I dunno...she always said she would spoil me in payback....and she ranted on about how she had all these plans and stuff.....and I expected them...I expected her to get spoiled. I mean, she drove me around and drives me everywhere.......and I think she kinda used that as an excuse......but I just expected more from my birthday ya know? I dunno if that makes me greedy or what.......

!7 tday....happy birthday to me......I think enough's said....

So.....it's come across my mind more and more......Amy can't move out....and neither can I...I want our life to start. I want it now. The last couple of nights, as I lay in bed to go to sleep. I've thought about opening my mouth and asking Amy if we can elope.....

I don't want to have to wait any more for our lives to start asour own family......and forever isn't even a small portion of enough time for me to spend with her. Even if we had been best friends from birth, and dated from the first day. It still wouldn't ever be enough time. There won't ever be enough....never ever.

We ride in the car, or we walk somewhere. And I can't help but wonder if something bad is going to happen. If that's going to be the last moments I ever have with her. And it's scary...ya know. To knw that at any point in time....one of uscould lose the other. But if that were ever to be the case. I wish I was the one to go....I couldn't ever live without her. If I lost her, I wouldn't be able to do it......I couldn't. The pain would be too much.....godess forgive me, but I'd HAVE to commit suicide. I couldn't live my life. I almost lost her once to someone else. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like to know I wouldn never see her again. That she wouldn't EVER be on earth again.

There are so many things I want to do with her, but it's impossible to get to do them all now.....I want to wake up before the sun comes up and go to the beach and watch the sun rise in her arms.I want to watch the sun set with her. I want a slow dance under a million stars. So many things I can picture......but when they do manage to happen. It's never like I picture it.......most things are better in my imagination. Ya know????

It's finally starting to hit...that I'm really a senior. It's the last years of high school. THe last FIRST day of high school. Not today, but september third will be. And Im finally at my last year. The last time I have to deal witht he dumb-fuck freshman coming straight from a world where they thought they were the shit. (Was I ever like that as a freshman?) I don't know how much I want to do it. I mean......I'm afrad.I don't want to grow up. I don't want to leave the school....or my favorite teachers behind.....ya know? It's terrifying. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I want my life with Amy to start....but her parents are being stupid...and won't let her move out until she's got an A.A in college.....and a different job.....and it pisses me off. I don't want to wait that long for our life together to start...I want what I want. and I want it NOW.

So...I went and did my runnng start test today...to see if I was qualified to take classes at the college doent he street from my high school. I had to to the reading, writing, and math sections. Reading and writing are the easiest thing in the world. But math...I suck at. No matter how hard I try the best I can do is addition and subtraction. Some multiplication. And some division. That's the most math I can do well. But I didn't even take a good look at the math problems ont he test. I just randomly picked answers. And I passed!!!!! I qualified to take a math class at the school.....how freaky is that? I couldn't stop laughing....

So here I am...sitting in my mother's bedroom.....listening to country music on tv....trying not to break down and cry.....I don't know. I have alot of things to say, but I don't know what I want to say....does that make sense?

So about 20-25 minutes ago...my sister brought in my burrito baby Xavier....and I looked at him...and he gave me this big smile and made some noises like he was talking to me. He smiled for a few more minutes and continued to talk to me. It just made my day....hes never done that before......and it just made everything ok. Just....snap-your-fingers-and-everything's-ok instantly.....he's one of the things that makes my house worth living in.....he's what I look forward to seeing when I get home from work. Because I know he loves me. Even if he can't say it......I think there's a small part of his tiny baby heart that belongs to me.......

Is it wrong.....that you go through your girlfriends journal and read all the posts she's written since she's been here....and you cry? Because you can see what it was like BEFORE you come into your life...and you can look and see what was going on wen you thought she belonged to you. You can really see what was going on and what she was feeling.....and who she would have rather been with. Is it wrong to read them and cry...because you remember the days she was talking about....when you knew she was off being happy....or typing u her entry...and you were at home breaking down into tears to the point you couldn't breath. Is it wrong to hate her just a little bit for it all?

I can't stop the tears....and I can't run to anyone to talk to them about it.....my best friend who's been there for me is in Turkey...my other best friend in Colorado or California.....the other one I thought who would be here is in Seattle seeing her mother in the hospital.....so who does that leave me to talk to? No one....so I think....that' I'm going to go to the towne center or something....just to get away from the house for a little bit. Maybe run into work....I dunno.....I just don't want to be home. I want to be out talking to someone....but I have no one....

It's funny...I want to go and run out to the park with Amy and talk like we did a few days ago. About serious things.....just sit and talk...about everything and nothing. I want to run out and get her a Symphony bar and pray she doesn't think of anything but that it's ME giving it to her.

Are you ever with the love of your life...and wonder if they're thinking about someone they've been with in the place you're with with them? That must not make sense....ok....so.....say I'm at the park with Amy....but a few months ago I was at the same park in the same spot with Meghan......and Amy knows it....do you think she's wondering if I'm thinking about the time I was there with Meghan rather than the now when I'm with her at the park.......make any more sense??? I dunno how to explain it.......but sometimes I just wish more than anything else I could read peoples minds and know what they're thinking....ya know??? That's how it was when Amy and I went to the park...and did what we call "Deep Cheese Thinking" I dunno why we call it that or how it started....but I want to go do more Deep Cheese Thinking.....the bad part is....we both don't ever want to do it at the same time. It's like a blue Moon when we both want deep cheese thinking....but right now I want ti....

It's now I wish I could call Jessica up and tell her I need to talk. She'd get here......and we'd run off someplace...to get ice cream or something and just talk.....I need her here...I think I may finally burn the letter I wrote jessica so many months ago...and hope she can read it.....I need to write another one soon.....

I guess I just need someone here who I trust to talk to........