is it just me or is this completely disturbing/misogynistic/incestuous/CREEPY?

ewwwwwww.....

my heart beats
silently
against the confines
of the
stars.
no longer
searching.
no longer
pleading.
no longer
longing.
only wandering.
only waiting.
only there.
the universe sways
and
pounds
as waves might
cascading into the
crashing hope
of my waking dreams.
my heart beats
softly
against your
hands.
no longer battered.
no longer beaten.
no longer broken.
only bruised.
only bent.
only beating.

i wanna make a band called 'I F#&@ing Hate You.' yes, dingbats and all...

we'd only write angry songs about stupid things we're pissed off about. idiotic things like missing a train, or getting dumped by a date, or the morons on tv or in government class....

things like that.

and we'd have a pop-y indie type sound that sounded all happy and cheerful until you actually listened to the lyrics and then you kinda want to kill yourself and your dog...

and we'd all wear hipster clothing, like thick plastic glasses with artificial lenses, and tight flannel shirts and girl jeans and hair that looks like we haven't seen a barber/comb/shower for years, and be disgustingly pretentious pricks who supposedly don't care what people think...

and all the kids will love us until some bastard comes along and markets us and then all the kids hate us, 'cause we're 'mainstream'...

and then we'll have a video on mtv that will play ad nauseum for two weeks, four if we're lucky, and our 'debut' album will top the charts and then we'll fade into oblivion....

then fifteen years later, vh1 will do a special "Where are they now?" and i'll be some tattooed vegan who lives with her girlfriend in either a.) some commune somewhere and smokes a lot of weed or b.) an aging hipster who owns a coffee shop and still sells albums and doesn't talk to her fellow bandmates....

i really do want to start a band called 'I F#&@ing Hate You.' and write angry songs about petty offenses though....

i had this horrible dream last night...

i only remember bits and pieces, but the bits i remember are unpleasant...

the first part, i've apparently come back to visit my school, and i got to my drama teacher (who has an office in my dream) and i go to hug her, and i end up sitting in her lap, just crying and crying....

then i go home, to my old house (the one i lived in yeeeears ago) and my mom (who's been dead for three years) is there and she's cleaning out this bucket, and i ask her what's wrong, and she tells me that dad's left and won't be coming back. so i run outside and dial his (current) cell phone number, and some random woman picks up, and i'm standing there, screaming obscenities at this woman who i'm assuming he ran away with. i scream, "you motherfucker!!" and then i see my neighbors (not really my neighbors) through their front window, and they jump up and run outside, but i run inside so they don't know it was me....

there was another part that had something to do with a big black dog, a porch swing with me lying under it, and a woman who looked like a mixture between my aunt and a teacher from my high school....

erm, yeah....

i dream of corrupting you. of tearing down those oh-so-carefully constructed walls that you have probably painstakingly built over your lifetime. of making you question your faith in god, humanity, and everything else. i want to turn you inside out and make you see the stars for what they really are.
i want those baby blues to mourn the day they laid their gaze upon me. i want those blonde curls splayed carelessly across my chest while we nap in the midmorning sun. i want to slip my hand in yours underneath coats pretending to be blankets during church. i want to be your only god.
i dream of hips under hands, twisting, turning in time to unheard music in the midnight moonlight. of crinkled crow's feet and muted smiles for prying eyes. of butterfly touches and soft-spoken apologies.
i long to shove you up against that wall, light like god's eyes, watching us as we break all laws. to feel you against me, heart beating hard enough to break us to pieces until we reach that peak and crumble into each other. to feel your breath on my neck, your lips on mine.
i want to kiss you until your lips bruise blueberries. i dream of lazy midwinter mornings, buried under mounds of blankets when no one's home. i long to hear any words out of your mouth.
i want you.

atheists are like the michael moores of religion.

annoying little bastards with anger issues who are out to rain on everyone's parade.

i've researched atheist organizations, and honestly, it literally seems like atheism was created just to prove that god doesn't exist, or to beat people's head in the ground when they DARE to mention their religion.

"MY WORD!" they cry in indignation, "YOU'RE HINTING THAT THIS COMPLETELY SECULAR EVENT MIGHT HAVE HAD THE FAINTEST INKLING OF ORGANIZED RELIGION! MY RIGHTS HAVE BEEN VIOLATED. i'm going to sue you fuckers."

>..<

i don't care if you believe in god, allah, buddha, or the almighty potato. i truly don't. i won't even get mad if you try and preach the gospel to me. i might get a little upset if you tell me i'm going straight to hell for my evil deeds or some shit like that, but really, who wouldn't?

what i get ANGRY about is when someone yells and screams and bitches about how religion is trampling all over their rights while they're slowly eradicating other people's 1st amendment rights. i mean, really....grow the fuck up.

so someone's been prodding for a new story. *coughcough* it took me like, three days to write....just so you know...

**************

--graduation's tomorrow.--
the unspoken, needy, childish question
trips
over my lips and
stumbles
into the air, flying in lazy circles in time with the ceiling fan.

you watch it evaporates, teardrop eyes making patterns for ancient cultures.

::i know. i'll be there.:: your voice is husky from sleep.

we're laying in my bed, bodies draped over each other in that
careless,
suicidal
way.

you fell asleep while i watched the news, head resting
oh
so
gently
on my shoulder as you finally relaxed.

the spring afternoon holds a hush over the universe,
summer's humidity trickling slowly in despite our best efforts.

you smell like sleep and just-washed sheets,
nestled in the crook of my shoulder as we watch the last of the evening news.

i squint in the setting sun.

--you will?--
i can't keep the doubt out of my voice.

squirming, you adjust yourself to meet my gaze resolutely.

cerulean depths capture me completely once more.

::i'll be there.::

i think i believe you this time.

yes, yes, john mccain picked a woman as a vice-president...

woot.

but i just realized something. cindy mccain is a stone-cold fox...

o.O

she may be 54, but wow....she's a good-lookin' woman.

i need therapy.

>..<

i'm in a particular mood.

i'm feeling almost romantic. not horny, not that "i want to mount the next attractive female i see." although i have felt that way before....

it's more like, i dunno. i just feel like lying in bed, watching tv with someone beautiful draped over me. preferably lovely woman. it's a bittersweet feeling. somewhat achy, like there's a piece missing in my soul. well...not like that, just....

i dunno.

newsflash: i hate my job and i'm going to try and get a new one. there is no way in fucking hell i can sit around the computer lab for a few hours doing pretty much absolutely nothing. i don't care if look like a flake, if i look like i'm irresponsible, there is NO way i can do that for a semester, let alone two.

sooooo, i'mma try and get a job with the theatre dept. where there's actually stuff TO DO.

they've given lesbians a cookbook.

http://www.butchcookbook.com/

make sure and read the excerpt recipe about the green beans....

and i have done a few things i regret....

oh.....*facepalm* to the nth degree. ohhhhhh me. how grrrr-inducing.

1. i join my grandmother's church choir. i am an atheist, but i like singing....don't ask. it's the church i grew up in, so i figured i owed them something.

2. lovely woman is there. old enough to be my mother, but still, lovely.

3. i stammer and babble, ears catching fire any time i try to talk to her. i literally become a blushing, bumbling fool as she watches me with those cool blue eyes. she sits in front of me, and i have to resist the urge to play with those blonde curls.

4. it turns out, this woman has known me since i was a wee thing. she was talking to my grandmother earlier about how in her mind, i should still be a little kid.

>..<

it doesn't take the attraction out of it, but still...should i be weirded out by this? i dunno why that threw me so bad, but it did. i have to start going out with people my own age...or at least people who didn't coo over me while i was in diapers...

my father might not have a job after all. he's had some issues with finance in the past, and because he was supposed to working in a firm that leads back to homeland security, they did a background check on him...which i understand. i just don't understand why finances would prevent him...

that's pretty much it for right now....

well....i have to pee and i keep having dreams about my teeth falling out...

there is no god.

there is no heaven.

there is no hell.

there is no good.

there is no evil.

there is no black.

there is no white.

there are only people and their foolish beliefs.

while i have lost all faith in spirituality, religion, and organized ventures in general, i have not lost faith in humanity itself.

i only hope that one day we can see the path ahead, and not the pebbles beneath our feet.

if anyone cares, here are some pics of my new haircut...

http://a372.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/95/l_2437de447bb04b8e5670f...

http://a832.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/112/l_46c570d1d44fb4a5c912...

http://a362.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/15/l_fc55b3c38077c9d927bf2...

in other news, i'm home now, but leaving tomorrow, which means i have some laundry to do...

i'm just so....lost, right now. i don't even know where i belong anymore. i feel out of place at home, out of place at school, the only place i feel like myself is when i'm with my friends. well, i guess that's to be expected though, considering i've uprooted myself...

i read O Pioneers! by Willa Cather last week, and there was something one of the characters said in there...i'm not going to put down the direct quote, cause that would take too damn long, but he was responding to another character wishing she had the same kind of freedom he did, and he talked about how the downside to being a wanderer was that no one missed you, the only people who mourned you were the landlord and the baker...and that just really stuck with me, how people wish for freedom, but don't seem to realize how lonely it really is to be a "rolling stone."

thought i'd just put that out there....

should've brought my ipod. dangit...

i should probably be reading over for biology, but hell, i've got three hours till class starts, i've got time. right now i'm just sitting here, tick-tacking away by myself. it's nice getting paid for doing almost nothing....

it seems no matter what time i go to bed, or even what bed i sleep on, i never have a good night's rest. i dunno if it's just because my mind is so active or what, i just can't sleep well....

i keep having dreams about her. my (ex) friend. and i mean, it's not like, "oh nothing happened in this dream world, we're still friends." no, i'm still ambivalent towards her. in one dream we were at a country club and she tried to run me down with a car....

maybe i'm acting out my anxieties by manifesting them into a singular, visual cardboard cutout representation? another thing, she doesn't ever talk in my dreams, she's just there, doing all these things to scare and annoy me....

hmmm...

getting my hair cut and then going home for the weekend this afternoon! YAAAAAAAAY!!!!

mexican food tonight for me!