Okay, as far as sexuality goes, I've generally given up on labels. My sexuality is apparently really fluid. Okay so whatever.

It amuses me though, that now that I'm identifying as male, I'm still quite a bit gay. XD

But it makes sense, because I've always had this inexplicable envy for gay guys, and just guys in general.. Well, it's not so inexplicable anymore, but it was at the time.

Although, I get the feeling that some of it is just me hating my body and stuff. Gods, how old do you have to be for a mastectomy? I want them gone ASAP. I easily prefer scars to these. And even the binders I made for myself are starting to hurt since I've been wearing them daily... I really don't want to damage my ribs or anything. D: I can't wait for it to start being freezing cold out. One word, layers.

Speaking of those binders, someone wanted to know how I made them? I do have pictures and I can put together a guide-type-thing if you're still interested. It won't be all that comprehensive and you'll probably have to mess around a bit before it works but it's something. I don't know how well it would work on big-busted people either. So yeah... Just putting that out there 0w0;

Also, I need a monologue for auditions in five days. :O I've never picked out a monologue for myself before, so I dunno what I'm gonna do for that. ^^

But wow... It's kind of interesting. I was SOOOO shy and anti-social and awkward as a "girl". And now that I'm presenting myself properly it's like I'm a new person. I have an easier time talking to people, and everything. It's great. :) I just wish I didn't have to deal with the crowd who knows me as "female" from last year. DX;

~Riku

Maybe.

Okay, so after school there was Drama Clubs first meeting. (The queer center of the school folks. It's got more queer than the GSA, seriously.) and it was awesome, a whole bunch of awesome people there. Including this really cute person who strikes me as trans. Because they go by Spencer (Which makes me think of that Ben Bernake song by Lemon Demon BTW), and had short, boyish hair, but they had boobs. XD;;;

And yeah. So after the Drama club thing My friends A and C and I go sit outside and wait for our rides, and this kid (Obviously a freshman. He had no more testosterone than me.) who recognizes us from it is all like "so dram club?" And I was like "yeah, fun stuff." And A being the nutcase she is rolls across the grass. And I'm like "Don't mind her, she's a little crazy." and she's like "I'm a HE today!" (How was I supposed to know? Doesn't tell me these things.) And I'm like "Alright, HE is a little crazy." and the kid is like "Whut?"

So I'm like "You have to get used to this kind of thing if you want to join Drama Club, because it's full of gay and crazy." and he's like "I'm not either" and I'm like "So what are you doing joining Drama Club!?" (I'm aware that gay isn't a requirement for it, but crazy definitely is. So he's like "Because I like acting...?"

And then some stuff happened. And then the kid points at A and is like "So that's a girl" then he points at C "and that's a boy?" So we're like "Not exactly..." and so he's like "So they're both boys?" And we're like "not exactly." So he points at C and is like "That's a girl?" (I feel bad for C. :< ) And A is like "Yup" and she points to me and says "And that's a boy"

ANNNNNND. The kid is like "DUH. He's the only one who dresses normally." Like it's obvious and stuff, and then C, A, and I start breaking out into laughter. (Well it was funny.)

And A asks if she can explain the trans thing to him and I'm like "go ahead I don't care." so she's like "His body is female" and the kid is like "I'm sorry." And I'm like "Nonono! You're supposed to see me as a boy! That's the point!" And yeah, I spent the next like, 7 minutes trying to explain to this freshman kid what trans was... XD

I hope I didn't scare him away from Drama Club. ^^;

Though I think my new hobby is scaring freshman. >_>;;; XD They're so fun to pick on though. >_>;;;;

~Riku

Okay so sometimes my thought processes all jumble up and I just. can't. think. anymore. It's like all the bits in my head got tossed around and still haven't found their way back to where they're supposed to be.

Okay so it's that time of month again. It makes me want to blow things up and bury them. I blame my ovaries.

Stupid blood stained pants. Stupid girls and their stupid tampons. People don't seem to understand that I have no will to shove things up places I shouldn't have.

While we're talking about things that annoy me, feminism annoys me, why? because it's just that. Feminism. These people seem to forget that there's plenty of sexism and reverse sexism against guys as well. If a guy is abused by a woman, nobody takes him seriously. Women automatically have the upper hand in a divorce. and yaddah yaddah yaddah. Yeah women have a lot of crap to deal with too, but the thing is, they act like men don't. And they do. How about EQUALITY people? Is that too much to ask?

I'm so sick of being afraid to use the restroom in public. I'm sick of having to wear at least 4 layers of clothing before I feel comfortable going outside. I'm sick of having to consciously lower my voice. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm being held back from being myself.

But it's so hard. I wish I had the courage to just be me. But it scares me. It scares me so much.

I'm so sick of having to try so hard to present an image of myself, that I feel that I always should have had.

And yeah. I've been basically in a constant state of frustration and angst for the last two days. I blame my ovaries. Hopefully I'll feel better soon. Because I'm seriously like, breaking down.

~Riku

So I forgot to mention all of the fun stuff that's happened yesterday because I was busy ranting on about how scary it is... You know, to transition in high school.

Anyways, I have English class with my MTF friend C, which is fun because my teacher wants to get to know her students so she gives us these questions and we're supposed to interveiw each other and write each others answers down and stuff. And we'd come across a question about say, "what would you change about yourself?" and we'd start laughing.

Only problem about sharing a class with her is that I have to keep changing pronouns in public. It feels weird to call her male. 0w0

My entire Graphics Design has no idea that I was born female. Including my teacher, which surprises me because I'm sure that it says on the student-profile-thing that I'm "Female" The class is 90% freshmen though... XD (probably because the upperclassmen know better? I wish someone had told ME that the teacher is a nutcase.) It's kind of weird because the teacher is all like "lol let's sit you boy-girl-boy-girl and stuff." So yeah.. But I look like a freshman boy so I fit in pretty well. XD I think that's the only class where I'm 100% "passing" though.

It's weird for me, because I can't even see myself as a girl anymore. I look in the mirror and I see a boy, a very unfortunate boy, but a boy nonetheless. The concept of me being a girl just seems so weird now. Even though I have female parts. It's frustrating that everyone wants to still see me that way. X_X; And part of me wants to play along because it'll be less challenging, less scary. But I don't think I can do that anymore. ._.;

ALSO. Sora (yeah, her. We're still friends believe it or not.) happens to have her birthday the same day I have my first appointment with a therapist... Which I will not miss for the world BTW. But she's not gonna be too happy about that. ^^;;;

I think I'm done blabbing now. I dunno.

~Riku

I guess it just hit me what "transitioning" really means...

Okay so I have a sneezing fit, the teacher sends me to the restroom to get something because she doesn't have any tissues.

On my way out of the (mens) restroom I make eye contact with some kid that was in my German class LAST year. when I was a "girl" And ugh....

I want to change my name and school. I don't even hate my school. Yeah it's a mess but I love my teachers. (Except for the favorites-playing, annoying, sexist one. DX; ) But I don't know if I can deal with this.

I can't even talk to my consoler about it for a wile because the school screwed up EVERYONE'S schedules. DX; Although she's probably just going to tell me that I shouldn't go through with the transition until after High School.

I don't want to have to live in fear of being found out for what I am. I wish I could just be me and people could just accept or at least tolerate it.

I'm tired of being scared.

Was pretty cool. I like all of my teachers, except my graphics design teacher seems a little sexist, plays favorites, and treats us like first graders.

A has been outing me to everyone. It's a little annoying but at the same time, it saves me the trouble. |D I also came out on Facebook not that anyone ever reads that stuff.

Also, this is funny; I have English 3 with C (my MTF friend) right? And we all get these weird questions like "What planet would you go to?" or "If you could eat lunch with anyone in history who?" and what C got was "If you had to sacrifice any of your limbs which one would you choose?" Which had us both basically on the floor laughing. She didn't answer that question honestly of course, but that was probably the worst question she could have gotten. XD

And I've got half of my classes to call me "Li". I did wimp out of talking to my teachers first... But I did tell my Graphics Design and English classes to call me "Li"... I already knew my German teacher, and my Zoology teacher asked for nicknames on her paper so I wrote that there too. Hopefully people won't get weird...

I think I'm gonna drop in on my health teacher soon. Be like "surprise surprise Mr. A, guess what? I'm a MALE now." XD I've already come out to my super-awesome gay librarian.

~Riku

Today is the first day of school, I barley got any sleep last night but oh well...

I'm gonna try talking to my teachers before class... There's a high chance that I'll wimp out last minute but... Whatever.

Also, I can't find my schedule... Joy....

Anyways, I gotta go. Just wanted to check-in and stuff.

~Riku

I just don't know what to draw recently... Another case of artists block? D:

Hell, I haven't even been writing as much latley. It's like my brain just kind of went flat? I dunno.

So I figure I'll go looking for some inspiration with a bike ride and a note book later. Maybe I'll find something interesting...

Hehe, I finally got some new clothes. I feel kind of bad asking for clothes (or anything else) with the way things have been recently... Especially since I'm already asking for a lot with the therapy and whatnot. But I needed clothes...

My mom is trying to get my dad in trouble for not paying impossible amounts of money. >w<; It's obnoxious because I need somewhere to live and food to eat too. But apparently the judge didn't think so... Apparently giving all of our money to my mom is more important than that?

But I guess when I think of it, whether I ask for new clothes or not doesn't make much of a difference with all of the other stuff my dad has to deal with... So whatever.

School starts soon. I want it to start because I'm bored and I miss my friends... And because I'm bored. I'm going to regret wishing that when it actually starts and I have to deal with schoolwork, homework, my own stuff, AND staying on top of the school so they don't kick me back a grade.

I don't even know what I'm going to do for bathrooms. I'll be kicked out of a girls room. (Or at the very least stared at by girls blabbing and fixing their makeup. I don't know why girls hang out in the BATHROOM (especially school bathrooms, ew.) though, but they do. Girls are so weird.) and there are boys who'll recognize me as a girl, and I don't need that either. Although there is a unisex bathroom in the nurses office... I'd have to explain my situation to the nurses hope they understand, and hope to gods that they keep that bathroom sanitary. I don't need to be getting sick. Though I'm probably going to avoid the whole thing as much as possible.

Oh yes, I'm probably going to end up talking with my councilor for an hour and a half about this stuff. I see it now. Her and her whole "This is a big thing for you to deal with." spiel, and me sitting back in the chair holding back giggles at the entire situation.

I don't hate my body anymore. I don't like that it's female, but it's not like there's anything wrong with it. I'm healthy, coordinated, with broad shoulders and big feet, and lucky enough to naturally have more testosterone in my blood than most girls. (According to my mom and aunt anyways.) although, I hate my hair... XD If it weren't so curly.. I mean seriously, you put gel in it and it curls up. D: And my err... Chest is small enough to bind down without too much restriction of breathing. XD; (Though I try to limit binding to when I go out, it's uncomfortable, duh.)

But I think what I'm saying is, even though my body's the wrong sex, I'm comfortable with it. Despite the curves and incredibly feminine eyebrows and shortness and stuff... It's not so bad really. Though I'm still really insecure about letting other people see it. And I wish I could run around topless with MAN CHEST but oh well. one day. XD

I'm not sure whether I want to take T yet or not. I will one day probably... But I don't think I want to take it yet. I don't really mind being mistaken for a 13 year old. And I can pass without it. (even my voice with some conscious effort.) So whatever...

My dad will be glad to hear that. He's been worried about the whole hormones thing more than me. It's only natural being that he's my dad. So yeah...

But just because I'm not sure about T doesn't mean I'm not sure about the male thing. Because I'm 110% sure that I'm a boy... Mentally anyways. Despite my feminine characteristics. XD I don't have to be macho to be a boy. I'd love to get my name changed. (And my legal gender changed, but oh the hoops you have to jump through for that. DX;)

I wish they could at least change the name on my files at school. So the teachers (and substitutes) won't call for a "Lorinda" first day and be dissatisfied when some boy raises his hand. Not to mention the act of doing so basically lets the whole class know that I'm a "girl" which sucks. Because as soon as a boy is a "girl" they start looking you over for all of your feminine features and crap. joy

But for them to do any of that, I'd most likely need to change my name legally first. And yeah. Fun stuff...

Done blabbing now.

~Riku

I'm annoyed because my dad ordered a fan for my laptop which won't work because it overheats because the fan is broken and the fan was too big so now he has to send it back and wait for them to get the right one in stock and I'm like "UGHH" because I just want my laptop to work. XD;

I feel bad for C. Because she can't come out like, to her school (her brother goes to school with her) or to her family, without taking a LOT of risk. I want to protect her and make things easier for her. I also feel bad because I am aware that I have it so much easier than she does. My dad is very accepting (although he worries a lot) and I can't make her parents accepting like that. All I can really do is support her from the outside.

And I think she's jealous of me for having such freedom. But I can't really blame her.

You know what would be totally awesome? To date someone who sees me as a guy. That would rock. As far as gender goes, male or female (or genderqueer or whatever) doesn't really matter to me right now.

I wish so bad I could get my name changed right now. As it, at exactly this moment. DX;

Is it just me or have my journals been getting shorter? Hmm.

~Riku

Okay, so a couple of days ago a friend from school decided to randomly IM me. We had a pityparty/ secret sharing fest. And I told her that I'm transgender. She says that she knows someone else who is too, which I know because she had said something about it a while ago, saying it was a little awkward for her because she dated the guy as a girl. But anyways, she says that he just got his name changed to "Liam" andd.. That's the name I picked out for myself, Liam. So we joked about how there are two trans Liams and what not. But yeah, that was pretty cool.

And yesterday was C's birthday. She didn't want to celebrate but I made her cupcakes anyways. XD She ate them (Begrudgingly) but she obviously liked them because she took a second one without me forcing her too. XD;

But, funny story. Okay, while making cupcakes I realized, We didn't have cupcake tins so I had to bike down to the nearby convenience store and get them. And THEN, because my family is nuts. We had no pre-ground salt. (Only sea salt) so I had to get the motor and pestle and grind it up myself, because the salt grinder doesn't do very well. XD

But I like doing ridiculous stuff for my friends... And I wanted cupcakes anyways. So yeah...

And ALSO, when I went to get my ID from the school the other day, I hand the lady my bus-ticket-fourm-thing and she's all "You're not Lorinda" and I told her "Yeah I am" (In my feminine voice of doom.) and she was all like "...oh..." XD

Would've been fun to say something like "You're right, I'm not, but until I get my name changed legally we're both gonna have to deal with it". But I didn't think of that until I was biking home, and it probably would have been a bad idea anyways. This lady has more attitude than me. XD;

And my hair is shorter now, but still wont spike. I call this dreadfully curly hair syndrome. D: If I put gel in it, it just curls up. There has to be SOMETHING for my hair.

~Riku

Mine grows way too fast. Like an inch a week. Okay, not really, just feels that way.

It still grows really fast though.

It wouldn't be so bad, cuz there's a place nearby that'll cut my hair for eleven bucks, except I hate hate HATE having my hair done. T^T It's just so awkward for me. DX;

*bangs head on keyboard*

Also, vlog will have to wait a while. Webcam hates linux. DX But I do want to do one. :3

I'm supposed to get a webcam tomorrow. And I think I wanna start a v-log. Only problem is that I'm wicked camera shy. XD And plus talking to a camera feels weird...

But I think I'll start one anyways. Besides, it gives me an excuse to mess around with Sony Vegas, which is an awesome program. XD

But uhhh... I still haven't come out to my aunt, though my dad may have already told her. (I live with my Aunt BTW.) And even if he hasn't she probably has some suspicions anyways... So yeah. She'll find out sooner or later.

Tomorrow I'm going to pick up my schedule from my school, (PLEASE let me have gym class NOT with Mr. Evil man and NOT in the first quarter and NOT during first block. PLEASE.) and then hopefully take a nice trip to Cambridge tomorrow. Get some yummy vegan cake and hair supplies. (And maybe even a hair cut.)

I guess this marks the start of my transition then? Delayed by my trip to Florida. I'm going to try to get people to call me by my new name and stuff. It'll be interesting.

~Liam

My dad convinced me to stay in the closet with my mom and grandparents. Because yeah, they'd probably go out of their way to find some way to blame it on him...

But I have been hinting at it towards my mom. I'm sure she won't ask. It's too awkward. So she can't say anything as a definite. *snicker*

But ugh. I'm so sick of that woman. She acts like we all owe her for something. Apparently since she bathed my sister as a baby, she's a more deserving parent? WTF? She's also immature, can't even handle her own emotions let alone my sisters, delusional, violent, and self-centered.

I mean seriously. But it's the delusional, immature, and self-centered parts that are really bothering me. Because in combination you get the most irritating thing to argue with ever. "No no no! Because I'M the mother! MY OPINION MATTERS MORE! Yaddah yaddah yaddah"

Oh, and she likes to guilt trip my sister and then blame everything on me. My sis used to say "I wanna live up in NH" and my mom would cry and complain and say stuff like "you hate me, you wanna leave me" and Sis would give in and be like "I wish I could be here too" (Which still isn't wanting both places equally mind you, that's "I've made my choice but I feel bad.") If my sister doesn't go for the guilt trips anymore "Riku manipulated Sis into wanting to live only with her and her dad and her aunt" You know, It couldn't possibly be that she always felt that way but felt bad saying it.

And it gets worse, If Sis is upset and I happen in the room "Riku is making her sister very upset!" even if I'm completely calm, and my mom is yelling and calling the police on me though I've done nothing wrong.

Yeah she called the police on me. I asked her why it upset her for me to say that something has been wrong with Sis since she moved down to Florida. I mean, I knew the reason but I wanted to hear it from her because then she'd have to admit it to herself... But she just freaked out, said it was because I was "badgering her" and eventually called the police.

The police came, treated me like an undisciplined 8 year old, and told her that it's not against Florida law to smack me. Great. He just told my mom who has this violent and loss of control streak that it's okay to smack her kids. (But I'd get sent to Juvi if I hurt her back BTW.) He also told me that I "don't have an opinion until I'm 18" which is hilarious because, I can communicate, and as long as that holds true, I can spread my opinion as much as I fucking want. Sure I don't have legal standing as an adult until I'm 18, but that doesn't mean I am unable to speak. Besides, I'm a "mature minor", so I actually do have some legal standing so there.

They all think it's over, my mom does, my grandparents do. But it's not. It's just beginning. My mom thinks that she has this right to be an ass because the judge was an awful biased person who knew my mom and sentenced my Sis to live down here, away from me, her home, and family who actually CARES about what she thinks.

Either way, once I turn 18 I won't have to speak to my mom ever again. Maybe she'll stop pretending then.

Wow... There was hardly any queer at all in this journal. 0w0

Laters

And their stupidness. D:

I guess if you were to label me I'd be an asexual-femme-FTM-nerd-geek-dork-vegan-thing. 0w0 Which actually amuses me a little but you know, everything amuses me.

Actually, one of my friends was calling me "LVTT" for a while Which stands for "Lesbian-vegan-type-thing" XD; I wanted to kick her every time she said it though. That girl is so shallow sometimes. -_-;

She's the same girl that was picking on me because my sister wears girls clothes and I don't. And she said that I'm a "ugly lesbian." Which was insulting because I have to put up with this horribly feminine-cute body day in and day out and she totally dissed it. XDX;

I read Parrotfish the other day. Great book but I felt kind of bad for the "soul-sucking-bitch" and for Grady's dad. Oh well. :O

I have to go pick up my schedule for school the day after I get back from Florida. FUN. D| And then school starts on the 27th FUN. And if my schedule is still screwed up I'm going to start verbally bashing faces in.

School is tiring. You have to keep a good eye on that administration or they'll just do what they want. It's kind of obnoxious that I have too. But it seems like every time I don't they mess something up. DX;

Oh geeze, I'm going to be a junior this year. I feel so old. Even though I'm not. I'm a year ahead. |D I'm turning 16 this November. (LOOKOUT DRIVERS ED! HERE I COME! >:O ) It'll be fun though.

Yeah, a soon as I get there I'm going to march straight up to my counselors office and be like "okay so I'm a boy, where do I go to make sure the school understands this?" >:O She'll probably be 90% useless as always. But it'll be a start. And I need to get some extra credits this year because the school is all like "LOL the year you were home schooled doesn't count so you need to take extra classes. >:(" So I need to get the ball rolling there as well.

Haha, they should give me credit just for having to deal with them like this. It's really getting to be a pain. XD

And my dad doesn't want me to come out to my mom because she'll tell my grandparents and they'll be all like "LOL I dunno what that is but it's bad and so it must be her dad's fault. Let's blame it on him and use it as an excuse to keep her sister here. 8D"

Even though it's not their fudging divorce.

But enough of that.

My coming out continues to be an inspiration to people. Now half of my friends are (openly) questioning their gender. XD; I don't know why I'm so influential. (A couple of my friends and my cousin became bi-curious after I came out as a lesbian a while ago too. XD) But I guess all it is is that, they see me being loud and overconfident, and they decide that it can't be too bad... Or something. I dunno.

But you know, if it wasn't for C (My MTF friend, who is amazing. :D ) I would probably still be in denial. So I definitely owe her for that. She's a lot braver than I am. I mean, I can barley deal with being in the closet like this for two weeks. (My time here in Florida with my mom.) She has to deal with it at home, and at school, all of the time. Not to mention the world seems to be a lot harder on guys that are feminine, in any way, than they are on girls that are masculine. Even though she's not a guy that's feminine, but you know what I mean.

But uh.. Yeah. I may not be happy with my body, but I'm really happy with who I am right now. ^^ It's just really freeing.

I'm really dreading school this year though. It's going to be a roller coaster and I know it. Between the therapy and the extra classes, and the coming out at school... It'll be interesting. My dad says I should wait until I'm out of High School. But that's not really an option for me. Just this, the two weeks here is giving me mild depression. And it takes a lot for me to get depressed. >_O (Do I get sad easily? Yeah sometimes, but some kind of steady feeling of crap, that takes a lot.)

Although it doesn't help that my mom is an immature ass. Who's in denial about my sister being upset about being down here no matter how obvious it is. >w< *twitch*

And geeze, I dunno why you bothered to read this far. I write a lot don't I? 0w0 I could make a novel encyclopedia from all of my journal entries. XD;

Uhh... Yeah.

~Riku

So um.. Yeah...

My mom didn't come with us to the restaurant, so there was no reason for me to come out to my grandparents first.

The whole thing was really awkward and quiet. I decided not to be obnoxious and pick on my grandparent's and their close-minded ness. My grandma is all like "taking milk doesn't kill the cow" because I told her I STILL don't eat or drink anything with milk in it.

My mom thinks I should eat more too, because the food I eat isn't wildly calorie-dense. And my dad worries about me wanting to take T. These people KNOW me and they KNOW that I won't even eat something if I don't know exactly what's in it. I hate taking medicine and getting shots unless I know everything first. I'm a nut like that. And these people can't trust me to make good decisions. >_O;

And yeah I'm grumpy. My period started. I forgot about those for a while, all of the stress and this "I'm a boy" stuff had me kind of distracted... Then I got a cramp in my side today and I'm like "Oh great. torment for a week. D:"

And I cringe every time my mom calls me by my girl name or "she" in public now. I guess it's worse in public because I don't really look like a boy or a girl anymore. Somewhere in between I guess. Which is good enough for now. But the whole calling me a girl just ruins it.

And I realized that in my dreams, I'm usually either male or genderless. Very VERY rarely am I female. Only when it's a point in the dream. (Like this one where this boy was trying to seduce me and it was horribly gross, and the other one where I was turned into a boy anyways.)

I guess I never noticed before because it never seemed important. But yeah...

I hate public bathrooms now by the way. And I was reading "Parrotfish" (C told me it was a good book, so I picked it up at the Library.) and it reminded me that I have another gym class to deal with. Yay, more gender segregation. DX *gag*

Also, I haven't officially "come out" to my mom yet. But I've been hinting big time. I can't tell if she's figured it out or if she thinks I'm just a REALLY butch lesbian though. Ugh, I hate that term on me though. Because I'm not butch. AT ALL. I'm very feminine for a boy. XD. Proud of it too. :3 I really like who I am.

And I think I'm questioning my sexuality again. Talk about confusing. But it's like. Okay I'm not physically attracted to guys. But I'm not really physically attracted to girls either. Not much. So I'm leaning more towards pansexual? asexual? I think I'm more attracted to femininity though. But I'm not sure, the whole "I can't date someone more masculine than me" thing may have just been some kind of insecurity about my own gender. I guess. But whatever. I don't think I should waste too much time worrying about it. There's no point. It'll figure itself out eventually.

The journey of self-discovery is kind of like a scavenger hunt. Every time you find something you just end up with a new puzzle to solve. XD that's my words of wisdom for today.

In other news, I hate Florida. It's far too hot. DX I can't wait to go home right now. but I want to spend time with my sister who is BTW, still miserable down here. But my mom is too dense to do anything about it. I'm so sick of seeing her break down over everything, EVERYTHING. She doesn't do that up at home. Only because she's down here and mom wants to make her stuck down here.

And then there's the time of month which we do not speak of that's got me kind of down too.

Oh, and going to the beach and seeing all of the shirtless guys and seething with envy. That too.

I wish I was more comfortable with myself. I wish I could just be a girl sometimes? Because my body isn't really all of that bad. Average female height - almost. And my uhhh. Chest isn't tiny, (only everyone thinks it is because I do such a good job covering it up) but it's not going to injure my back either. And I have a figure. My friends just LOVE to point the last two out because I cover them up all of the time. But every time they do I feel sick (And like crying, but I won't.). But I'm out to most of those people now so hopefully it won't happen anymore. >_o;

I actually did cry once because I was wearing a tank top under a T-shirt and my friend A was all like "LET'S STEAL HER T-SHIRT, TAKE PICTURES OF HER IN JUST A TANK TOP AND REFUSE TO DELETE THEM! 8D 8D 8D" And I yelled at her and threatened her and eventually I did end up crying. Because she said something like "Why don't you like looking like your own gender?" DX. She did delete them after I started crying though. But she still didn't get it. (Haha, she does now though. And I'll probably punch her if she ever tries anything like that again.)

I'm such a wimp. DX I almost cried today too. Somewhere between my sister freaking out and crying over EVERYTHING because she's stressed, and my whole bare-chest-envy deal. I hate feeling so in-between. If I could just be a girl it'd be nice.

Okay I'm done ranting now. ^^;

~Riku