THOSE NOSTRILS IN THE SKY

A young nosey went snorflin' out one dark and windy night
Upon a ridge it snorfled as its snot went on a flight
When all at once a lengthy trail of cow patties it smelled
The nosey couldn't see 'em, but it knew it would be felled

The stench set it on fire and the nose rolled on the ground
In agony, a'wondrin' if soon dead it would be found
A bolt of fear went through it as a wind came from the sky
For it saw two dark nostrils blowin' hard and blowin' high

Nyippie yi Ohhhhh
Nyippie yi yaaaaay
Those nostrils in the sky

Their septum gaunt, their nosehairs long, they're flarin' evermore
They're blowin' and they're snotin' like you've never seen before
They've got to blow forever in that hanky in the sky
A nose that's snorting fire and ever wonderin' why

As the nostrils blew over it the nose did hear a call
If you want to save your nares from me, best get on the ball
And nosey change your flares today or with me you will blow
Causing massive hurricanes far and way on down below

Nyippie yi Ohhhhh
Nyippie yi Yaaaaay

Those nostrils in the sky
Those nostrils in the sky
Those nostrils in the sky

Pit vipers! I don't think they're the prettiest snakes on the planet. I don't really like the head shape that much, but I surely would't want to kill even one. They are good varmint control. I mean, can you think of a better way to rid yourself of a small children than to throw them in a pond of cotton mouths?

Man, can you imagine the reaction?

If you want to be something, you are not free. Therefore, because I WANT to be free, I am not?

(Don't ya guys just hate me for postin' shite like this?)

http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=130685

Man, the things people do. Maybe 'I WANNA BE INFAMOUS' is a better title.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/aum/message/5038

http://dmt-nexus.com/Webackup/art_page.htm

http://www.spellsandmagic.com/astral3.html

Just make sure you don't fall face first on your keyboard if you look at it too long.

Your welcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV1EdoSSVqA&feature=email

Does the reporter still have a TV job?

I guess this could be a problem if yo' momma's first name is Stanley.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/india/2631324/Two-headed-...

Imagine if it had lived?

And heads of state of other nations.

Critters. . .to get them to be easier to deal with, we get them fixed. Would our world work better if to enter the world of politics one must be first neutered or spayed?

I just had to ask.

Seaview Terrace, R.I. The REAL Collinwood.
http://www2.bc.edu/~kuchar/collinwood.htm

Enjoy the tour. Too bad what happened to it, though. It ought to be restored.

But with freedom, one needs to be responsible. This is about like what is the sound of one hand clapping?!

I think I got a headache.

Abbot Arnold Amaury: Slay them all. God will recognise his own.

Marines: Kill 'em all. Let God sort 'em out.

The Nose (Moi): Kill 'em all. Let the chef sort 'em out.

(Not a direct Amauray quote. It's a paraphrase.)

I couldn't believe it. The petrol station was closed. It had gone out of business since the last time I made this trip. I didn't have enough fuel to make it to the next station, and on my desolate journey I wasn't going to have anyone to rescue me.

I was toast. I had no brain fryer cell phone, and I'd been too short sighted and reliant on past experiences repeating themselves to carry extra petrol.

The mountains were about 50 miles away. I'd been a Brownie, a Girl Scout, studied plants and knew all kinds of wild foods to eat. If I could make it to the mountains, I'd survive. Granted, it might take me a couple of weeks to get to the other side of the range, but on that other side there was civilisation. The problem was, between me and those mountains, was desert.

So is life in the United States. If I was still back in the country of my birth, I wouldn't be in this mess. The crowding of England had its advantages, though I never realised it until now; not to mention that nowhere in England was there a location this hostile to the concept of anything living in it.

Though I'd lived most of my life in the states, I'd generally gone home for the summer. I was rather proud of being born on the other side of The Pond, and I couldn't have made it more obvious. I guarded and maintained my accent like it was platinum. I oozed arrogance at having been born in Whitehaven, and surprisingly this; in addition to my accent got me quite a few dates, not that I'd ever met anyone who measured up to my standards in the States.

I did have a lad friend in Scotland who I hoped to make a part of my life later. He was in Ayr. The problem was, my job was in Seattle, and there was no way I could take my ridiculously high standard of living with me to the UK, and I wasn't going to bring him to this country that was falling apart and that I held in such high contempt. I was planning on working another three years, saving up another couple hundred thousand, and seeing if we could both move to Ireland if the job situation was right. After all, we both had ancestors from there. I loved England, but the taxation there had just gotten too high to deal with.

I was coming home from a trip to Death Valley. I'd taken a week off this late September before th 4th quarter rush where I might end up working ten or eleven weeks straight with no days off, and. . .well; it looked like I'd be forced to take more than that week off unless there was someone else on this road going my way. I hadn't seen a car all morning, though. I wasn't counting on it, not to mention that I didn't know if they'd even stop for me.

The United States Of America. The Land Of The Isolated.

I would drive my car as far as I could, and walk the rest of the way if nothing came by. I thought that was doable.

I made it another 20 miles, and it was 3:00 P.M.. The sun was too high, and it was still too hot to travel. First I opened all the doors and windows of the car, then sat in the back where it was shaded. I had some water, and decided maybe I might sit outside of the car in its shade.

As I closed up the water bottle, a shadow passed over the rear window of the car, and I heard a loud thump as I felt something impact the top of the car. Whatever it was, was big and heavy.

I think my heart raced at about 500 beats a minute. I couldn't get the doors closed in time if there was a threat, and even if I did get the doors and windows shut, I'd die of heat stroke in an hour or two. I'd cook. And then the threat could simply break the windows if it wanted to, couldn't it? Assuming it was a person?

Before I could blink my eyes, a golden nose poked through the doorway I was sitting by. A beautiful, furry, golden nose.

A Palomino pony was standing outside my car. He had a light saddle, and a bare head. He was a stallion, and his Arab breeding was evident, but he was a little too stocky to be pure Arab. His head was Araby, he kept his neck arched, and carried his tail high. He was very muscular, had four white socks, a star on his forehead, and his mane and tail looked absolutely silver. I'd also never seen a horse look so close to metallic gold as this lovely creature.

But what was on my car?

Suddenly I heard a voice. 'Well, are you just going to sit there all day like a total idiot, or are you going to get on Hesper's back so we can take you to those mountains you want to go to?'

"Huh?"

'You heard me. Oh, and if you kick him, he will throw you off, stomp on you, roll over on you, and I will have you for lunch right after, hoping you are vegetarian, because they tend to taste better.' The accent was Irish.

"Who are you?" I asked.

'Percy. I'm on top of the car. Would you like to come out and meet me?'

"Considering what you just said, I'm not so sure."

'Oh, come on. I was a'bein' sarcastic. I wouldn't hurt a hair on your head. Now are you coming out of the car?'

Like did I have a choice? I got out of the car, and when I saw what was on the roof, I screamed about as loud as I could.

It was a cat. A black cat. He was huge. Like a leopard, but he had like 13 centimeter fangs. (About 5 inches, for you American non-metrically inclined ignoramuses.) He also had a long tail, and his body was too light to be a smilodon, but what a sight. He had his paws over his ears. 'Shut up, you stupid bitch. I said I wasn't goin' to hurt you, and I meant it! Do you have any idea how much you are hurting me? My ears are pretty sensitive, you know. After all, I'm a cat.'

I was taken aback. "I. . .I. . .I'm sorry. I am actually being talked to by a cat?"

'NO, YOU CLUELESS TWIT!!!! I CAN'T TALK. MY VOCAL CHORDS ARE ALL WRONG. WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL THIS TO EVERYBODY?! I AM SENDING THOUGHTS INTO YOUR HEAD LIKE WE USED TO DO A THOUSAND OF YOUR LIVES AGO, THOOUGH I THINK CONVERSATION LIKE THIS IS SO MORONIC AND TIME CONSUMING; BEING I CAN SEND TO YOU ALL OF MY THOUGHTS AT ONCE INSTEAD OF DIVIDING THEM INTO THESE SILLY WORDS, BUT YOUR PUNY LITTLE NON-FELINE MIND WOULD BE SO OVERWHELMED YOU COULDN'T MAKE HEADS OR TAILS OF THE MESSAGE!!!!' That came to me like a very loud yell.

Oh. I think I was just pretty heavily insulted, but I guess I couldn't argue. "Are you some kind of magical aide like out of a Mercedes Lackey novel come to rescue me from my own stupidity, or am I hallucinating, or what?"

'We'll get to that later," said another, softer voice. "Just get on my back, and let's go. But I would appreciate it if you don't kick me. I won't throw you or stomp you, but I won't appreciate it, and I'll never let you ride me again if you make one gratuitous harsh move with me. Understood?'

I looked at the horse. "Understood! And you are?"

'My name is Hesper. You are Addison Radcliffe.'

"How do you know this?" I asked.

Percy sent me, 'We're telepaths, IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED!'

For some strange reason, I was suddenly feeling mighty dim. How could I have NOT noticed. "I'm sorry, but these unfamiliar circumstances have turned my reality downside up, and I'm not thinking too well. Can I pet you?"

'Yes, but then mount up and let's get out of here. Considering my penchant for always wearing black, it is a bit toasty under this desert sun; and I'd like to get a move on,' sent Percy.

I reached out and stroked him behind the ears. He narrowed his eyes like a contented housecat. "You know you're beautiful? Both of you?"

'We know," sent Hesper. "We get told that all the time. I also agree with Percy in wanting to get out of here. I'm used to a cooler climate. Neither one of us can stand the heat.'

"OK. Let me get my water."

'Drink what you need now, and leave the bottle behind. Trust me in that you won't need it,' sent Hesper.

"But look at how far the mountains are?"

'Almost 55 kilometers, you English snot,' sent Percy. 'No Problem. We can run fast.'

"But cats can't run for that long," I said.

Percy simply roared. He would have put a lion to shame. Needless to say, I mounted Hesper; and he took off like a lightning bolt. I hadn't had any water, but at the moment I really didn't need any; having just filled up in the car.

The pony was almost a horse. He was shy a fraction of a hand. He was going at an all out gallop, but the gait was very smooth. The wind in my face felt pretty good, despite it's heat. It was better than hot, static air.

Percy was running along side us, and he was keeping up quite well. I couldn't judge the distance or the speed, but I know it would have taken me all day to cover what they were going to do in what looked like, maybe an hour if they kept this up.

They kept it up.

When we got to the range, it was 4:13 when I looked at my watch. The road narrowed quickly when Hesper rounded the first hill of the range, and it turned into a stairway.

"Wait a minute," I said. "This isn't the way I came. But it's the same road. Where are you taking me?"

'Home,' said Percy. 'Now that you're in the mountains, would you like to walk the rest of the way, or shall we stay with you?'

I had to be honest. "I think I'd better walk for now after that ride, since I know I'm going to be saddle sore; but I'd feel better if you stayed with me. Safer, too. Will you?" I dismounted.

'For a heavy petting session that includes a tummy rub, hell yeah!' sent Percy.'

'Me too. And a complete grooming would be nice after we get to where we live, too,' sent Hesper.

"You live near me?" I asked. Ye gods, sore I was. I'd be limping for a while.

'As near as you want us,' sent Percy.

I chuckled. "If you kill your own food, I think I'd like you as a flatmate. Not that I can't afford to feed you, but it would put a crimp in my budget."

'Says the one high power executive who makes over a half million a year,' sent Percy.

"Well, I'd have to get a room added on for Hesper too, wouldn't I? And feed him a gallon of fresh squeezed orange juice, a few bottles of Martinelli Sparkling Cider, a few pounds of carrots, apples, peaches, bananas, a bucket of farina with maple syrup every morning, and hell knows what else."

'Chamomile tea with lots of honey,' sent Hesper. 'Lukewarm. And two hours of daily gentle grooming.'

"Deal," I said.

'I can be sarcastic too. None of that food is necessary, but hey. I'll take the grooming.' sent Hesper.

When we got to the stairs, I said, "The last time I took this road, this was a road. That was 2 days ago. What happened?"

'We took a slightly different turn. Don't worry, though. There's a waterfall a few meters up, by the way. Very cold, and very good.'

I wasn't thirsty, but I'd try it. "All right. You know of a shortcut, or something?"

'We know of a shelter,' sent Percy.

That sounded appealing.

The stone steps were tiered in sections. After the third section was that waterfall and a stream.

I never dreamed water could taste so good. The steps narrowed, and they came to a tunnel after the eighth tier. It was a long tunnel, but you could see light on the other side.

"We're supposed to go through this?"

'Ideally,' sent Hesper.

"Where does it go?"

'The garden of our slaves,' sent Percy.

"Your slaves?"

'Our so called caretakers when we were like how you used to be,'

"What does that mean?"

'You'll find that out in a couple of minutes. Come on. You'll like this,' sent Hesper.

When I go through the tunnel, I was awed beyond measure. The garden was huge, and so perfect. It seemed to go on forever. There were meticulous flower beds, trees that were both in fruit and in bloom, cobblestone paths, fountains, gazebos of different types, streams with small bridges, berries of different types, scented flowers like jasmine and roses that perfumed the air around them and made the vicinity hard to leave. There were also many torches with different coloured lights.

It would be twilight soon, and I imagine this heavenly place would be a locale to make my best past phanatsies pale in comparison. "Who owns this place?" I asked.

'Source,' said Percy. 'Donn Ui'Midir built it, though. In fact, we'll come to him soon.'

I scowled. "Strange. Donn is the name of the Irish death god. It means 'brown'"

'I know,' sent Percy. 'Don't know why he was named that. His hair is red. Light red, but red nevertheless. Some call him blond, but I wouldn't.'

I wrinkled my nose. "And he was the son of Midir the Proud. Wait a minute! Ui'Midir?"

'You didn't survive the desert, Ms. Radcliffe,' sent Percy. 'Donn sent us to you in an illusion to make your death a more pleasant experience to you. Neil Wakeman will be joining you shortly via a suicide after he hears of your death. We'll do the same for him.'

"My Scottish boyfriend. He loves me that much?"

'He does.' Percy and Hesper stopped. 'See the dude up ahead on the bench by the fountain? That's Donn. He's waiting for you. He'll tell you what to expect.'

I walked up to him with Percy and Hesper at my side. "You're Donn?" Damn, he was cute. Looked hell a young, though.

"Welcome, Addison. Did you enjoy your trip here?"

I smiled. "It was like entering Narnia, almost."

Donn smiled back. "I can see the analogy. The love of your life will be joining you in five days of his time. For you, between now and the moment of his arrival, which has absolutely nothing to do with the concept of Earth time whatsoever; you can explore this place, and re-learn what existence is like on this side of The Veil. Now, shall we go in and have some tea?" He pointed to the castle which I hadn't even noticed until now. He stood up.

"I'd like that very much," I said as I put a hand over Hespers withers, and a hand on Percy's head. "but after these two, Neil might have to fight to get my affections back."

'Nah,' sent Percy. 'Around here, we just share.'

Donn stood up and pointed at Percy. "Hey! Don't you start anything you little bastard. I am off limits!"

Hesper looked at me. 'Yeah right. He can't fight 'em all off.'

I chuckled. "I'll leave 'im be. You're coming with us, right?" I asked as we started walking toward the castle.

'Indeed we will,' sent Percy. 'And I will also snuggle up in bed with you to-night, to cater to your unspoken desires.'

As the four of us walked to the castle, I wondered why I was ever alive on the Physical Plane. . .but I'd find that out soon enough.

(The whole collection sets:
http://allmyshortstories.blogspot.com/ (The closed blog)
http://moreshortstories.blogspot.com/ (The growing blog))

I am a Irish Gate Keeper called Donn Ui'Midir, of the peoples of the Tuatha de Danaan. You die, I put you where you belong if you're assigned to me. You can stay at my place for a while as you acclimate to your new way of existence. In all likelihood, I'll have taken over your mind just before you died; and forced an illusion onto you that was far more pleasant than your actual death. Our kind can do that, though white washing your death is not always the case. Some times some of us will do the opposite, depending on what we think you deserve.

My place is in the Low Etheric. It looks much like Earth, though none of the old rules apply. It is a low density location where form is not necessarily static. One can look like anything they want. One can eat, or not. One can feel, or be insensate. One can travel at the speed of thought, and materialise anything they can visualise. One can even become perception alone, and not have a form; but few choose to do this at such a low level as this. . .having just come from a place where having a form is par for the course.

I was sitting on a couch at my castle on the isle of Tech Duinn, which means 'The House of Donn' in my first language. I had a. . .um. . .nose. . .oh gods, A WOMAN (for the time being) called Stephanie at my side; and the Greek version of me called Thanatos beyond her. We were under a couple of blankets in front of a fireplace, and we all had either tea or hot cocoa in hand. It was as cold as anything, and we were all quite aware of it, having 'turned our senses on'.

Get uncomfortable to get comfortable. This was Stephanie's addiction. My paradoxical mortal love who I rescued from an attempted suicide in her early daze, who couldn't forget me; and ended up seducing me into adopting her in the most unusual way. . .which I think I'd rather not get into right now. . .or ever again, for that matter.

Stephanie said, "My nose is cold."

I said, "You could put a sock on it."

She had one arm around me, and a teacup in the other hand. She inhaled the steam, and had a sip. "We don't have any that are big enough, and it would interfere with my tea."

I ran my fingertip down that rather large proboscis she was so proud of. "True. Thank you for just settling for warming up like this and not coming up with any more hair brained schemes like riding on the beach in negative five degree weather Celsius, just so we could get relief from the discomfort by jumping in the whirlpool. The horses will never forgive you for that."

"I know," said Stephanie. "I won't ever do anything like that to them again." She paused. "Wait a minute! You mean the lengthy grooming sessions I gave them aren't enough?"

"No," said Thanatos. "They're too polite to inform you directly, but they bitch about it to us all the time. You know how they are. Cats on hooves."

"Looks like I'm gonna be an indentured servant to three equines for a while," said Stephanie.

"And how about us?" asked Thanatos. "Insisting we strip in that freezing hall before entering the steam heated room? I ought to get at least a hundred back rubs from you for that one."

"Yeah!" I said. "Me too!"

"That can be arranged," said Stephanie to me, with a wink.

I sighed. "Never mind. Just take care of the horses."

I got a raspberry from her.

Thanatos ruffled her hair. "When are you going to let go of your Earthly drives? They are such a nuisance."

"As soon as you two quit being the most gorgeous things I ever saw in my life," said Stephanie.

"You better not let Percy hear you say that," I said. "You've got that cat convinced he's the prettiest thing that ever walked. And you tell your pony the same damn thing, when you're not telling that to our horses."

"You know what I mean," said Stephanie. "For something that looks like a person, you are the most beautiful things in existence. . .of male gender, that is."

"Wise choice of words around here," said Thanatos, who had a sip of his cocoa. There had been whipped cream on top, but that's been gone for a while.

I put my teacup on the table to the side of me, and leaned into Stephanie; returning her embrace. I had to admit, I was getting a kick out of this moment. Snuggling under some nice warm blankets with my best buds in front of a hypnotic fire in the room of an ancient, mint condition castle was nice. The walls were tapestry covered stone, with strategically placed torches, and the ceiling was three and a half meters high in this particular room. The atmosphere was very peaceful, and the only noise outside of our conversation was the crackling of the fire.

Stephanie finished her tea, and the cup vanished into thin air; being she had no further use of it. She put her other arm around Thanatos, and pulled him a little closer to her. Soon she stroked our hair. "Can I tell you guys another joke?"

"Like we could stop you?" Asked Thanatos.

"True," said Stephanie.

"Of course, this is another one of your misanthropic ones, right?" I asked.

"That is my specialty."

"Go," said Thanatos.

"If I make you laugh, can I borrow you two to-night?"

We'd laugh. We always did. Stephanie was a whack-case, pretty entertaining company; and you'd never know what to expect. "I suppose so," I said with a false stoicism. I was actually eager to hear the latest tale.

"Gods, I hate children. I didn't have a virtual kid once. I never felt such loathing for an unwanted, non-existent intruder in my life. I called it Pemmican Del Sol the day it wasn't born, and it was a fitting name, for I had plans for it. Ahhhhhhhhhh, yes.

"About a year later I bought a 50 gallon fish tank, and drove to Furnace Creek in July. I had with me garlic powder, brown sugar, liquid smoke flavouring, some sea salt, and black pepper. I put the figment of my imagination in the tank at 10:00 A.M., and seasoned the soon to be fully sun dried bugger as it turned crispy brown. Quite tasty it was, but I must say I suppose I should be glad it was a virtual experience, for I might have been otherwise arrested." She held up her right index finger. "Of course, you must not take me seriously. I do NOT believe in torturing my food before eating it."

Me and Thanatos looked at each other. I think that was the strangest, most detached-from-reality thing I ever heard in my life. It took a moment for me to digest it, and I chuckled, as I shook my head. "Ye gods!"

Thanatos was trying to control himself, but failed. "Man, for that one maybe you and me should make out; and we should chain Stephanie to the wall so she can watch."

"You wouldn't!" said Stephanie.

"Oh, I don't know," I said. "Than, who gets their nose petted with a peacock feather first?"

"Since you put it like that, you."

I shrugged. "I can live with that."

Stephanie scowled. "If you do that to me, I'll never let you see my nose again!"

Thanatos exhaled histrionically, and put the back of his right wrist against his forhead. In a tone connoting hopeless despair, his said, "Oh, by the gods; we can't have that. How can we live a single day without a sighting of that regal beak?"

I winked. "I have a better Idea. Let's go to Tir na nOg, and have a picnic in the willow grove by that stream we like so much."

Thanatos kissed Stephanie on the forehead. "OK, let's."

Stephanie kissed both our noses. "Deal!"

(If my publisher wants this, this is the end of the book. I will write more, but the subject matter will be a bit more diverse.)